Any triggered memory of the abuse hits you like a sledge hammer, that may bring out your darkest side.

My abuse survivor healing journey began about three years ago.  It happened at my former workplace: one of my co-workers started to whistle to a song that was on the radio (yes, it was a cool office like that). But it was not your regular kind of whistling, it was the kind when people whistle through their teeth. They did it so cheerfully and innocently. But I had a violent and yet numbing reaction to it. I wanted to choke them, just to make them stop. 

I went into a state of shock and all I could think of was child molestation.Wait, what now?! This co-worker was one of the sweetest and kindest people, I have ever met.  And I am sure until this day, that they’d never do anything like that.  Honestly, I felt lost and petrified, I had no idea what was going on in my had and I was scared.

It took me a couple of days  and a lot of online research to figure it out:  my late grandfather used to whistle just like that and then my real bad reaction to hearing this sound again was because it eventually reminded of being raped by him as a little girl. 

It might be triggers like that, which brings back these memories of abuse, we’ve repressed for years. But emotional triggers will also taunt you later. Things you smell, see, hear ..certain scenes or situations, playing out your nightmare right in front of you, – reminding you of the ways of your abuser. 

Within a split second, they’ll leave you feeling completely powerless and turn you back into the victim. You time travel back to the possibly worst time of your life and often react in inappropriate ways, you later regret.  They put you back in the vicious cycle and the horror will start all over again. 

Today I had a bad experience at work and my co-worker send me a message that said:’I hope you’ll be happy again soon’ I know, she meant it. She is a very sweet person. But it just reminded me of all those times when the abusers in my life told me to smile. Because, it is just something they do. They will  hurt you in the worst possible ways, torture your soul and then force you to smile for the rest of the world. So, no one will ever suspect them.  

These charades will break you over time and it is not easy to overpower them and not be triggered by all kinds of stimuli that make you act like an abuse survivor .But it is possible to let go of it. Every day a little more and take back control of your life.