Tag: loneliness after abuse

Happy to be a Part of Your Problem

Survivors on a Mission 

Many people seem to see social media as some kind of curse and granted there are a bunch of negative side-effects to being able to share your entire life online. like online bullying.

But,  on the other had, the voice that social media and the internet as a whole, have given to abuse survivors is truly beneficial.  A voice has been given to people, who didn’t really have one before. Whether it is a whistle-blower, a creative person who finally gets to promote their art, or an abuse survivor.  

Finding your voice is important in any case, but for abuse survivors it is also an essential part of the healing journey.  And if you’re not comfortable telling your story to others, it may be enough to tell it to yourself.  Very often the trauma, we survived stays stuck inside of us, quietly wreaking havoc.  Others might not understand what we’re going through and surviving abuse can be very lonely at times. So, while we need to be careful whom we share our stories with, there is a sense of relief in doing so and an opportunity to find others, who have been through something similar.  Finding your own tribe, a family, whatever you wanna call it – it is essential. 

Another big plus of sharing your insights – raising awareness! People have started to tell their stories, be it on social media, platforms like YouTube, they’ve written books, blogs, they have podcasts etc.

But the point is that survivors of abuse now DO share their stories, whether they have a professional background, as in the field of psychology or not.  And that is great!

Abuse has been going on for eons and all over our beautiful planet. But never before, has there been a time when information about it was so widespread.  We can now just google terms, like ‘gaslighting’ or ‘dog-whistling’ and educate ourselves. And that goes for everyone – people, who may have no idea how serious these things are, people who are being abused and survivors. Everyone gets a fair chance to find out the truth of what’s out there. But all of this has another huge advantage. It makes the life of abusive people harder. 

Awareness is everything.  And when victims of abuse start to actually understand what mechanisms lie behind the atrocities they had to endure, it’ll get harder and harder for abusers to have their way. 

People who are aware, that they are being gaslighted are much harder to be gaslighted. When you eventually learn that other victims of domestic violence found a safe place and were able to escape, you might be empowered to ditch your own unhealthy relationship. When someone with a lack of self-love becomes aware, that this is a direct result of childhood abuse and realises that the person, who molested them as a child is the same individual who made them feel so unworthy in the first place – the cycle can be broken. 

Abusers are manipulators. Often the manipulation of their victims, is enough abuse in itself. But their entire gig depends heavily on being able to influence their victims, especially if the abuse is ongoing.  At the very least they need to make you believe that this is OK, meaning that it is not actually abuse and if you think that, you are the crazy one. Or they make you think that you are the problem and this is happening to you because you deserve it. Because you are inherently bad. But in some way, shape or form, they need to have some sway over you, to keep you in line.

So, when the victim starts to educate themselves about the mechanisms abusers employ, this narrative becomes much harder to maintain or may even be completely destroyed. Speaking out and dragging these abusive mechanisms into the open, makes it harder for abusers to follow through on their plans and, I truly believe, that it may even help prevent some things from happening.

And while I fully understand that me and my blog are just tiny little fish in the vast ocean of the internet, I have to admit that I actually feel honoured to be a tiny little part of this problem for abusive individuals. I am not a therapist, psychiatrist or in any way formally educated, when it comes to these matters.  All I have are my personal experiences. But still, I do believe that every voice that may provide even a little bit of insight, can be helpful.

So, please find your voice if you can. Every story counts. Every story helps.

This is a valuable source with some tips when it comes to the safety of kids: https://www.siebenpolklaw.com/child-safety-tips/

Feeling Alone After Experiencing Abuse

Have you ever felt like an outsider and does your gut feeling tell you, it might have something to do with the abuse, you survived?

Loneliness can be real tough to cope with on the healing journey. Not only because you might  need to distance yourself from the abuser, but also because sometimes you might feel the need  to retract from the world. You need time to heal and you need time to find yourself again.

If you’ve been abused while growing up, you might have been ostracised by your own family and as a consequence felt like an outsider all your life. There seems to  be a vicious rule that when you’re the one being picked on, your surroundings get the impression that this is just the way you’re supposed to be dealt with – even if they are usually not abusive people at all. In a very twisted way, this even makes sense. If you do not pick upon the person, everybody else is picking on, you’ll become an outcast yourself. It is a survival strategy within social circles, like families, friends or a workplace.

For the victim it quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, a vicious circle and worst of all – it will become their  programming. It will leave them feel inadequate, worthless and alone.

Human beings are designed to socially interact and validate each other. It fuels our very being, our soul. We are social beings and being left outside of the circle is just not a healthy option. 

Some therapist would say that you need to give that validation to yourself. This is true, of course. But I’m sorry, I just don’t believe we can survive a lifetime just doing that –  we need to validate ourselves for sure, but we also need to surround ourselves with good (in the truest sense of the word) and loving (again, in the truest sense of the word) people, who are willing to support us. 

If you are denied the support, the love or in some cases the bare recognition of your existence, your soul will inevitably suffer.

Once this false and horrible programming has been induced, our experience will be pretty much the same, everywhere we go – school, work or social gatherings. It doesn’t really matter where and when it started, as long as you believe in the message that you are the proverbial black sheep and that you don’t deserve to be part of the team. 

In turn, abusers will sense that about you and knowingly or not, they will sniff you out as someone ready to be abused. The bully at school just as much as your narcissistic co-worker or your psychopathic boss. You may figure out decades later, that your childhood friend has not invited you to certain gathering on purpose, just to keep you out of the loop. Or you may come into the office saying good morning to everybody and get no response whatsoever. They will just ignore you, because that narcissistic co-worker has been talking badly about you and now they believe that you are an awful person. 

You might ask the professor a question, after a lecture at your university and have them brush you off, because that fellow psychopath student has a personal relation to them and has been talking smack about you. People often just don’t realise that they are being manipulated.

It could really be anybody ostracising you, while you are left out in the cold, having no idea what you’ve done to deserve this. 

It is a technique abusers use on top of the initial abuse, to keep you isolated. It is, of course, abusive in itself to intentionally and under handedly put someone in the position of an outsider. 

And then the vicious cycle starts. You feel like an outsider and that you don’t really belong – anywhere. You may develop a need for solitude in the disguise of peace and quiet, as people don’t seem to want you being around anyways. 

If you were the scapegoat in your family, part of the abuse might have been that your feelings were never validated. When you needed help or support  you were ignored. At a family reunion, you would be the only one not included in all the fun and chatter. But again, there are unfortunately many other settings like your workplace, school or circle of friends where this might happen to you. And it can get to a larger scale, where you just don’t feel accepted by society as a whole. 

That’s when it might become your own choice to retreat to find your strength again. You seek solitude, because you might be scared to burst into tears publicly at any time, if triggered. You become doubtful about who you are and even question your right to exist. 

So, if you have a background like this – be it your upbringing, school, work or your circle of friends etc., it is really important to find a new family. Don’t lock yourself away – I have done that for sure and it made things worse. It is better to look out for those good people and they are to be found everywhere, just like the abusers. I promise! 

If you don’t feel like you can connect to people at work or school, you can find support groups online, you can join meet-up groups or talk to a therapist. This may not sound like much, but  it is a start. It is the first step into your new life. I know from personal experience that it will help you cope. And more and more you’ll be able to attract a new circle of people, who will be there for you just like you will be there for them. 

Because you deserve it, you deserve better, you do deserve to be a part of life! You are worthy, you are loveable and your existence matters!