Why You need to Allow yourself to feel Angry

Having lived through any kind of abuse, will change a person for sure. Abusers love to push you to your limits, using all kinds of techniques to drive you crazy, like gaslighting, dog- whistling and deception.

At the same time, they teach you that you must react in a way that is more often than not out of character, as they would feast on this energy and your pain like a vampire. Another benefit of this for the abuser, is that the victim often puts themselves in a negative light from the perspective of spectators, who will never now what goes on behind closed doors and maybe even worse than that, the victim loses themselves in the process.

As survivors of abuse, we often cannot tell when it is time to stop blaming ourselves for what happened or is still happening to us. We get scared and too petrified to tell anybody the truth of what is really going on, because we are trained by the abuser to believe deep inside that our feelings are not valid.

This brings up a lot of doubt and we start questioning at times, if we’ve ever really even have been abused. This can even happen, when the abuse was physical and has left visible marks on the body – our mind can be a powerful tool of suppression.

Of course we all make mistakes and are responsible for our own behaviour. It is, however, very hard to deal with your own guilt and shame, while also trying to take on the abusers’. It is a lot to carry inside oneself, especially without the chance to let it out.

While we are still on lockdown, due to the Covid-19 outbreak, I find myself feeling a lot of penned up emotions and it is far from being pretty. Here I am, I have come to understand the many ways , in which I have been abused, I was lucky to have found myself an excellent therapist and I have found a way to socialise with goodhearted people, even though it is very hard for me to do so. Now we face a situation, where contact is limited and the demons , who took a nap deep inside of me, see it as an opportunity to strike again.

I won’t be the only one going through this, and I shudder at the thought of all those people (and animals) being stuck in quarantine with their abuser.

But no matter, what your personal situation is, if you have escaped the abuse and are in some stage within the aftermath or if it is in fact still going on right now – we will experience those deep feelings of anger towards the abuser and the shame that goes with it.

We have been been taught that we have no right to your own emotions, that they are in fact ridiculous and society teaches us, that it is not civilised to show anger and frustration – this may go for women especially, but male survivors of abuse will also struggle for sure, with these emotions that should have no outlet. Psychopaths and narcissists take advantage of this societal rule.

As survivors, we have been attacked by monsters, who might be delighted evoke a monstrous reaction from us, so they can call us the monster. It is very important that we allow ourselves to feel the anger and not let it fester, as this is when it might start to become dangerous for others and ourselves.

I believe it all starts with self compassion and the understanding that the pain and the anger have a cause. Understand the cause and do whatever you can to walk away from it, so the abuser won’t be able to trigger you to look crazy. Do not listen to them and please know that feeling angry at times is natural – it doesn’t make you a monster, it makes you human! Your anger is a sign that something is not right, so please notice it !

Know that you are not alone in this, many of us struggle with this, while, as abuse survivors, we have actually been through enough already.

Try your best to understand this, try to drown their lying voices out, if you can try to find a therapist (there are great and affordable online services) – most importantly, find yourself again. They have distorted this image of yourself. But you can find your courage. There is always a way out and the anger may be able to show you the way.

Resurfacing Trauma during Covid-19 Lockdown

I hope you’re all well and safe, as we’re currently under lockdown in so many countries around the world. It is a perfect opportunity for all kind of old trauma to resurface. This is now my fourth week on lockdown and the old stuff is really starting to get to me and I am sure that this might be happening to a lot of you as well.

It seems a little counter-intuitive, because the situation we’re facing has actually brought me closer to some people in my life. Conversations are forced to happen via call or texting, but they seem to run deeper than usual. So, you have more time to talk to people you cherish in your life and this is also, how I found out that I am not the only one. We have been forced to slow down, take a break and come face to face with those demons, we have buried deep inside.

I find myself battling with things, I thought I had at least dealt with to a point where I can cope comfortably. But NO, it feels like these abuses, embarrassments or soul-crushing events, just happened yesterday.

So, I can’t help but wonder why. Is it simply because I live on my own? Is it the lack of real, non virtual contact with other people? Is it bound to drive you crazy, when your sleeping, living, eating and your office space are basically the same?

I wasn’t content with this kind of explanation, so I’ve been pondering this hard for at least the last 14 days. Of course, trying to take a more psychological scientific approach to things is also one of my go to coping mechanisms, and it never makes these things disappear. So, I am now trying a more philosophical view.

Maybe this is meant to happen. Maybe this is exactly the right time to deal with those memories, as painful as they may be. With the speed of our everyday lives slowing down, I believe our soul or psyche, whatever you prefer has to take this chance for catharsis. And I believe the old adage that things have to get worse before they get better may apply.

As a survivor of abuse of any kind, trauma will be stored inside your body, your mind and your soul to some extend. I don’t know about you, but I’m almost at a point where it feels like, I ‘m going through my life minute by minute, not only filtering through abusive situations but also those, that triggered me into remembering the abuse. Triggers will make you feel horribly and react in ways, that do not reflect your real self. When triggered, we might say or do something which may be considered inappropriate by others and this can create more trauma and insecurities. It can become a vicious cycle and basically and this is what I find myself caught in these days.

Trauma never really goes away, I had gotten my hopes up many times, I admit it! If I only could work through those things intensely enough, they would vanish once and for all. But this will never happen.

Instead, this slower pace of life might just enable us to face and fight these ancient demons, because it gives us the opportunity to look at things and being triggered without necessarily being judged by others. This retreat also gives us time to work through trauma in a sense where we get a different perspective. Usually, when memories come up, we may be at work, at school or just about to meet somebody or have to be someplace public. Now we can go into a cocoon and we don’t have to necessarily limit our emotional response. It is catharsis.

It might also enable us to take a good look at our abusers. Where we may have had a tendency to find all kinds of excuses for them, because the truth was just too hard to swallow, we now see them for who they are. We remember more details, more background story and this can lead us to more personal freedom. We can recognise that we were not the only player in these situations and that everything is not our fault.

These traumatic experiences which are stored deep inside of us, will show their ugly faces every now and then.

But iI truly believe, these very special circumstances, we’re facing, will enable us to face them with even more courage and self empowerment than before. Maybe they might just get quieter over time, when they realise that we are not the same anymore. And coping will become easier and easier to a point where past experience won’t matter that much, because we’re looking forward.

You deserve better than being haunted by memories, you deserve an improved future! You can do this!

The Female Psychopath – Part 2

Amidst the Covid-19 outbreak, the entire planet seems to be in the grip of fear and I truly hope, everyone reading this, is and will be OK.

Recently, I was reminded that there are some things in this world worth being afraid of, that we often might consider no big deal.

I recently watched the Netflix series The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez, which besides making me cry right through it and putting a giant knot in my stomach, had me ponder the female psychopath again and how we still do not take this threat seriously.

If you haven’t watched it yet: a fair warning it is simply heartbreaking and also, this post will contain some spoilers!

Gabriel Fernandez was a sweet 8 year old boy, living in Palmdale, L.A. who was tortured to death by his mother and her boyfriend over a period of eight months. It becomes clear quickly that his birthmother Pearl was the engine behind the abuse and that she is, indeed, a psychopath.

There are text messages which proof that Gabriels’ mother got off on the physical and emotional abuse of her son. Blatant homophobia seems to have played a part in this as well, which would be sad enough on its own.

This woman handcuffed and gagged her own son. Then she locked him up in a tiny cabinet at the foot of her bed and denying him food. Then they would force-feed him cat litter.

She manipulated her boyfriend into helping her, who is of course guilty himself. But it was another example of how female psychopaths seduce and manipulate men into doing their dirty work. Make no mistake, though – they are happy to get their own hands dirty. They just also enjoy the successful manipulation of others.

As victims of abuse, some of hour wounds are invisible. Gabriel had those invisible wounds as well, however, he had others that were more than obvious. And there were people like his teacher reporting those horrendous crimes against him. But the system failed.

Social workers and police would show up at the door, but never actually went inside to check. Do you want to know why? Because the mother told them that Gabriel was fine.

This is the problem, the big danger, the disaster and in this case the unspeakable tragedy.

What also enraged me is that professionals from the filed of psychology didn’t want to believe that this mother is a psychopath. She got an evaluation, while the boyfriend went straight to trial.

There’s hardly anything our society values more than a mother, because it is still consumed by the dogma that there is no such thing as a female psychopaths, that women are to be trusted by default and that every mother loves their child. Unfortunately, this is simply not true. Amongst the favourite victims of a psychopath are very often her own children.

After taking a plea deal, Pearl made a statement in court about how sorry she was that Gabriel was dead, However, she never showed one single sign of remorse, since her arrest. Clearly her lawyers advised her to do this. I was a little relieved to see that no one including the judge bought it.

Female psychopaths are usually good actors, playing into the widespread believe of women always being the good guys. In this case, it became eventually obvious what a monster this woman is.

Unfortunately, it was way too late for Gabriel. Our unwillingness to look at the topic cost an innocent, smart and sweet little boy his life. It is high time for the world to wake up. Are psychopathic women different from their male counterparts? Maybe. Are they less dangerous? No.

Soul Expansion – the one thing they’ll never have

If you believe in the concept of a soul, you are probably also familiar with the concept of its journey.

Personally, I believe that our souls are on a journey of learning, development and exploration. Attributes we assign mostly to children, like curiosity, playfulness and joy in discovering new things should actually be a big part of everybody’s life at all times. But society (don’t even think, it is only modern society) has done a fine job to suppress this notion and replaced it with dogmas like ‘too grown up to dream’. When you are supposed to be adulting, but you’re a big dreamer, who is not done exploring the world yet, you might even get dirty looks and snide comments.

These comments may come from your abuser, because this is one of the things that separates them from others.

Every soul aims to expand, to go on adventures and discover the world around them. It is a part of life and NO, you’re never too old to jump into a new adventure and discover something new. Even abuse survivors, who often feel stifled or even even hindered by what has happened to them, will eventually develop the need to explore and expand again. It can take years and years to fight your way back to this point, but you will listen to that inner voice again that is guiding you to the adventures that bring back joy.

You might be prompted to travel, to change jobs, move, change your wardrobe, pick up a new hobby or study something you want to know more about. It can really be as simple as that or it can be the adventure of a lifetime, like quitting your job and travel the world or starting a new business from scratch or you could be guided by some kind of event into taking a whole new perspective on life which is an adventure on its own. Or it could be something completely different – your choice, your creativity, all yours really. This will probably be at a point, when you have already healed a little bit and it will assist you on your healing journey.

For abusive people, like narcissists and psychopaths, this doesn’t seem to be the case though. They do not seem to feel the need to expand and follow the voice of their soul.

I remember distinctly asking one of my family members what they wanted to be when they were a child. Their reaction was odd, to say the least. She froze and gave me one of those dirty looks, we survivors are so used to. She had nothing to say and my question created a very awkward moment of silence, which was almost unbearably long. It made me feel bad, like the co-dependant I am, but it was also evidence of how empty their lives really are, which even with all they do to us – it’s just so sad.

This was ages before I even realised that parts of my family are deeply toxic and that I had been abused. But, it made me notice that at least this person is very different to me. Today, I believe this can be one of the red flags, that might enable you to identify a character disorder. They do not get excited about anything, not truly – they just pretend, they do.

Abuse, no matter what kind, sucks the life-force out of the victim. Maybe it is because of this, that abusive people do not try to take good care of their own soul. They just take our energy.

I don’t even want to think about an existence like that. Yet, I find it fascinating. Abusive people don’t like to expand, because expansion almost always disrupts your daily routine. This is in direct conflict with their way of living, because when you aim to abuse, extort and hurt others, you really need this routine and you also need your victim to have one. Thus, they have no use for more freedom, as long as the system of abuse they put in place continues to work. No need for expansion.

If you suffer from PTSD after being abused, continue to listen to your gut, your intuition, your soul. Don’t give up – and eventually you will engage back into your personal growth, exploration and those soul adventures. You will surpass your abuser(s) and maybe, even after all you’ve been through, you might be bale to get some solace in the fact that they will never have that. Your possibilities, on the other hand, are unlimited.

About Emotional Triggers

Any triggered memory of the abuse hits you like a sledge hammer, that may bring out your darkest side.

My abuse survivor healing journey began about three years ago. It happened at my former workplace: one of my co-workers started to whistle to a song that was on the radio (yes, it was a cool office like that). But it was not your regular kind of whistling, it was the kind when people whistle through their teeth. They did it so cheerfully and innocently. But I had a violent and yet numbing reaction to it. I wanted to choke them, just to make them stop.

I went into a state of shock and all I could think of was child molestation.Wait, what now?! This co-worker was one of the sweetest and kindest people, I have ever met. And I am sure until this day, that they’d never do anything like that. Honestly, I felt lost and petrified, I had no idea what was going on in my had and I was scared.

It took me a couple of days and a lot of online research to figure it out: my late grandfather used to whistle just like that and then my real bad reaction to hearing this sound again was because it eventually reminded of being raped by him as a little girl.

It might be triggers like that, which brings back these memories of abuse, we’ve repressed for years. But emotional triggers will also taunt you later. Things you smell, see, hear ..certain scenes or situations, playing out your nightmare right in front of you, – reminding you of the ways of your abuser.

Within a split second, they’ll leave you feeling completely powerless and turn you back into the victim. You time travel back to the possibly worst time of your life and often react in inappropriate ways, you later regret. They put you back in the vicious cycle and the horror will start all over again.

Today I had a bad experience at work and my co-worker send me a message that said:’I hope you’ll be happy again soon’ I know, she meant it. She is a very sweet person. But it just reminded me of all those times when the abusers in my life told me to smile. Because, it is just something they do. They will hurt you in the worst possible ways, torture your soul and then force you to smile for the rest of the world. So, no one will ever suspect them.

These charades will break you over time and it is not easy to overpower them and not be triggered by all kinds of stimuli that make you act like an abuse survivor .But it is possible to let go of it. Every day a little more and take back control of your life.

Feeling Unworthy of Love after being Abused?

Has this ever happened to you:

You’ve met someone great and just couldn’t trust them, because they seem to care about you, but it just reminds you, of how much you trusted your previous partner and they let you down in the end?

Have you ever made friends with someone new at school or work and your mother who has never nourished you with love in any fashion, advises you not to open up too much to them?

Maybe you even feel at this point that, over the course of your life all of these people you wanted to trust and love eventually disappointed you. So, why even bother anymore?

When you have been abused at any point in your life, psychologically, emotionally, physically or sexually, you might know what I’m talking about. You are very cautious, who you let into your life and whom to trust, because you have most likely been burnt by more people than your (main) abuser.

It is a sinister dynamic. Your abuser would never admit guilt or even take the least bit of responsibility for their actions. That means that this burden will rest with you for eternity, as abusive people are highly unlikely to change. So, you as the abuse survivor are left feeling responsible for being deeply hurt and violated by someone else and it comes with the horrible, but seemingly rational conclusion that you deserved this.

This seems so off to any empathetic outsider. Why would you as the one who got hurt, the one who gave their love and never got any reciprocity feel unlovable? Yet, this is the way it works.

Abuse survivors have often been taught, even been induced with the feeling that they are unworthy: unworthy of good things in their life, like success, pride and love. This is the only method the abuser can ensure their ‘success’. Their victim feeling so undeserving of good and on the other hand feeling so deserving of the mistreatment, ensures that they will be able to hide their actions. As long as you think, this is all OK, it is very unlikely for the outside world to intervene. It is the ‘dirty little secret’ between you and the abuser, whom you most likely felt love for or maybe still do.

But this love is unbalanced and will never give you what you need.

What’s more is that this constantly being left with all of this responsibility (which nobody could possibly bear) will leave you coming short of their expectations. And the abuser will make you aware of this and thereby making sure that you take on the guilt and they go free.

After going through this you may become so brainwashed and conditioned of feeling bad and worthless, that you are likely to expect defeat in meaningful relationships. This may play out like a self-fulfilling prophecy without you even giving another person a real chance. May it be a friendship, business or love relationship.

It also will set you up as bait for new abusers entering your life and they most assuredly will continue the same game, you used to play with your initial abuser. It is a vicious cycle.

How to get over this? I am certain that you can! What really seems to help me personally, is taking a long hard look at the actions of your abuser – at face value. They might have found excuses that seemed so valid at the time – but really, look at what happened. Try to see the bigger picture. Then asked yourself, would you or any of the people you actually trust in your life, ever treat anybody like that? And if not, why?

Maybe even find validation in outside opinions. Tell your story to a therapist or to somebody, you truly trust. They will confirm, how horrible this is to hear and that you did not deserve this.

I know this can be hard. I am honestly still trying to open up about my own story on this blog. I know, how vulnerable it makes you feel.

If you feel like you don’t want to open up, there is a ton of literature out there with case examples of abuse and about the various kinds of personality disorders, your abuser might have had. This can help and you’re gonna know that you are not alone. It is a very long journey to overcome this, but never give up! You got this and things will get better!

A Game of Power

The control-freakiness of the narcissist and psychopath

Only now from a distance, I am able to recognise certain patterns within my relationships with those narcissists, psychopaths or their flying monkeys in my life. Only now, I recognise these mind-games, manipulation and control-freakiness.

It was only on that day when my birthmother gave me that look over a huge terrace, which was filled with people at a wedding reception. It was mean, it was dirty and it sent one message: ‘I don’t like what you’re doing right now, I do not approve!’ Mind you, what I was doing at this moment was standing in a place and having a conversation she hadn’t ‘authorised’. My first thought was, how embarrassing this was, but then I realised that nobody else seemed to notice. It was a thing between her and me.

It was one of those moments when a million thoughts run through your mind within a split second. I wondered, why my body was reacting the way it did. I wondered, how a knot in your stomach could appear so sudden. I wondered, what does she want and if she wants me to do something, why doesn’t she speak instead of stare. And most importantly, why I am even considering all of this – I am an adult, I should be able to decide, where I want to hang out and whom I want to talk to.

It was a demonstration of power. But, it was also possibly the first time, it didn’t quite work. I had begun to break loose. But it’s been a long way, a very long time spent in oblivion.

You could call it a revelation. I started to remember many occasions just like this one, that had occurred over the course of my life, i.e. when I tried to open up about the sexual abuse in my childhood and my mother almost instantaneously went into discussing other peoples’ bad childhoods. Later she also told me that she thought, me being molested at the age of four was probably not that bad and that I should just get over it. I am not saying that my abuse was worse than what anybody else had gone through – all kinds of abuse are wrong. But putting you in your place by minimising your experience, is just one of many ways abusers like to use to make you more receptive to their version of the truth and ‘keep you in line’.

The wedding also had me remember observing these patterns in my environment all my life: people changing their behaviour completely once their spouse enters the scene, children being cruel to other family members and then looking to their parents for the expected approval or people who have been severely harmed (physically or emotionally) by someone, but then being the ones apologising?!

When I started to do some research on narcissism and psychopathy, the information started to add up quickly. One thing, I heard a psychologist say about narcissists will always stand out for me, as it might be the shortest explanation to make you aware of what you’re dealing with: They always and under any circumstances want to bring you in a one-down position – they need to know that they have the ‘upper hand’. So, we’re talking about control and it was at that wedding, I realised that I am not a person to my mother, but a character in her game to be handled and manipulated – a puppet on a string. I had been conditioned to keep my head down, to obey and to give up my needs, without even knowing it.

An abusive person will condition and ‘train’ you to submit to them. And it will be a slow burning, sinister process which is done to you intentionally. Be very careful to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, we all hurt people unintentionally and get hurt the same way. Abusers, though, do this strategically and it is often more than difficult to see through it.

They will sniff out your biggest fears and weaknesses, tease you about it and then expose them publicly, undermining your self-esteem. They will use triangulation and pit you against people close to you, whom you used to trust. They will work you over years and years, chewing away your foundation. This can be done through underhanded suggestions and messages about how weak, unimportant and unworthy you are.

But there will be plausible deniability. So, if you mention something to an outsider, they would respond with things like ‘He/She didn’t mean that!’, ‘you probably heard that wrong!’ or ‘They only mean well.’

Or in my case, some people might say ‘Well, maybe your mother couldn’t handle the thought of her child being molested, so she went in to denial!’

I believe that the reality is that you are being prepped for more abuse. Wether you are experiencing this within your family, at your workplace, in school or within a friendship – if you’re dealing with an abuser, they will work you for a long period of time. It can be months, it can be years or even decades.

This is happening for the sole purpose of of conditioning you, so they can take advantage of you without sparking suspicion at any given time. They make sure to keep you in a constant one-down position in which you can easily be manipulated. Whenever you start to stand up for yourself, you will be reminded of your own shortcomings to keep you in check. This can be done with words, looks, gestures, through other people (the so called flying monkeys) – really any kind of trigger in the physical world.

In most cases, especially if you are unaware of what’s happening to you, they will be successful and you will cave in. You’re being conditioned to please them and their love is anything but unconditional.

It may not look like it to the outside world. They often manage to make themselves look the victim, while manipulating you to perform their will without anybody noticing, not even you.

The effect will be that you stop trusting yourself and that you will be grateful to your abuser for lowering themselves to your level and that you feel like you can rely on them to guide you.

So, what to do about it. I believe it is inevitable that one of these days you will begin to notice the dynamic – even if it has been going on for ages and even, if you are the only one seeing it.

Just observe for a while, if you are really uncertain. Observe, how they are treating other people. Compare.You will note some differences. You might be the only one being treated this way, their main squeeze. Or they might entertain an entire ‘harem’ to pick from. Either way, their power games are not always so obvious.

It might very well be that nobody else will see it and that nobody will believe you. So you’ll have to stay strong. You might have to be your own best friend and closest ally for a while.

But the good news is, once you’ve seen through it there is no going back. You will be aware and that is gonna be good enough to protect yourself and cut off those strings. You can break yourself free from their grip.

Do not stay stuck and don’t give in to their game.

Spending the Holidays on your own

***I know, I’m a little late to the party…but wishing everybody a beautiful and peaceful holiday season***

It is that time of the year, when many people are focused on spending some quality time with family and loved ones. Some of us, though, are painfully reminded that some of our relationships with others have been strained or are just too unhealthy to be continued. If you are, like me, spending this time alone, please know that you’re not the only one and that there is no shame in it.

This is not the first holiday season, I spent on my own and I have to say, that it is not only getting easier but actually really enjoyable – it is quality time with myself…and I love it!

I was expecting to feel lonely and maybe even fall into depression, not being in a holiday spirit at all. That’s what had happened in past years. But not this time: There were heartfelt Christmas cards from co-workers, I found out that some friends were celebrating all by themselves as well and that some people were still finding time to chat with me, while being ‘busy’ with their personal relationships.

I was still on my own, but I connected with people and it felt good and festive after all!

So, even if you feel alone, you’re not… you are in my heart and I know there are many of us all around the globe. If this is your first time, it won’t be easy. But I promise you, that it is nothing to be afraid of. There will always be people in a similar situation and you will get a chance to connect.

Try to enjoy this quality time with yourself! You might be surprised how great that can feel.

Lots of love,

Melli

The Importance of Hope

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’
Audrey Hepburn

Years ago, I saw a therapist who told me that I shouldn’t have hope.

She told me, that hope was nothing more than a defence-mechanism and therefore, hope can be dangerous. It meant to her that i am not wiling to face reality and the cold, hard truths of my life. I was speechless, when she said that, and completely taken aback.

Hope had always been a substantial part of my healing process. Hope for better times and better things to come my way, hope for relationships to improve…Hope, simply, for a better tomorrow.

Luckily, I figured out quickly that this therapist might not be the best match for me and I moved on and found a GREAT one. However, I remember clearly losing hope (if only for a moment) back then. After this discouraging experience, I thought for a moment that there are simply no therapists out there, that might be able to get me through my piled up emotional baggage. This may seem unreasonable, but I’m sure some can relate. Losing hope can happen oh so quickly. Sometimes, you are not even aware that you lost it, only an outsider might be able to tell. I believe that, unfortunately, it is easy to lose hope, especially for abuse survivors.

So, I’m trying to remind myself of all the happy endings, I already experienced: I did find an amazing therapist, who helps me more than I’d even be able to describe with words. And that is by far not the only story, I know of, that proves that hope is worth having.

In all fairness, I believe what at least some of the ‘no hope enthusiasts’ might talk about, is the concept of ‘false hope’. And you might want to defend them, saying that they simply mean well and don’t wish to see you get disappointed. But, how could they possibly predict, how things will develop for work out or you? There are so many possibilities in this world, for better or worse – they are chances you’ll have to take.

One day, I got talking with my co-worker about all the places, we always dreamt moving to. But all of our dream destinations come with the visa issue attached, you cannot just pack your bags and move there. So, the question is, is something like this possible at all, given all of those obvious obstacles?

The answer has to be yes, because difficult simply does not mean impossible. You could also make an argument for something being ultimately more satisfying, if you had to fight for it, if you had to overcome obstacles to get to where you wanted to be. And maybe some things are actually meant to be.

This chat with my co-worker reminded me of another true story about hope, I heard years ago: There was a man living in the UK, going through a very hard time. He had just been through a difficult divorce and he had been out of work for a couple of months at the time. Another thing, you need to know about this English man is that he had always been dreaming about living in Canada, at last for the last 25 years or so. And mostly because it had been such a long time, without him seeing any way to make this dream come true, he had pretty much given up on it. One day, he went for a walk to distract himself from the fact that he hadn’t been successful with his jobs applications for quite some time and passed by a public library. His gut feeling guided him to go inside, although he had never even been in that particular street before. He started browsing through books and felt drawn to grab one of them, when a business card fell out of the book. Believe it or not, the card belonged to a Canadian business man. Our guy recognised it for the sign that it was and contacted them. And the The story has a true happy ending – the Canadian business owner employed the English man, who moved to Canada and has been living there ever since.

Remembering this story then got me on a roll and I realised that I heard countless stories, just like it. People who got back together with their high-school love, sometimes after 50 or 60 years; people who have been told that they were infertile and believed this for decades but then became parents after all; or some creative spirits who never thought, they would do anything with their talent suddenly becoming successful…The list actually goes on and on.

I have been thinking about possible motives of people, advertising the concept of ‘false hope’, a lot. Often they may mean well, they may worry that you might get hurt….but sometimes, I think, you need to question their motives, especially when you’re dealing with an abusive person. They just might not want you to be happy and fulfil your own dreams, because the happier and more fulfilled you’ll get, the more they will lose their control over you. Whenever somebody is cautioning you to ‘not get your hope up’, you should ask yourself: Is there something they might get out of you not being hopeful?

Personally, I believe, there is no such thing as false hope. Hope is simply the essence of not giving up. As Abraham Hicks were once saying: “You cannot give up on a big dream!”

So, remembering all of those real life stories, helped me to remind myself that I do believe in the validity of hope, that dreams can come true and that some things are indeed meant to happen for you. I believe that if you cannot let go of a dream for years and sometimes even for decades, it means that it is yours to experience.

If we really want something, it is simply not in our human nature to give up hope. This ‘thing’, we want means something to us – is all that is. And dreams and visions are meant to be pursued, they are with us for a reason. Especially, when the reason is to move forward with your life and heal from abuse.

Never give up.

Unravel Your Hidden Programming

You have escaped the cage. Your wings are stretched out. Now fly.

Rumi

How come, I still feel responsible for having been sexually abused as a child? Maybe it was all my fault after all? Maybe, if I’d just told my grown up grandfather that he doesn’t have my consent, maybe he would have stopped raping me? Maybe all of my trauma is actually caused by me?

It’s an odd assumptions to make, right? But every now and then, I am haunted by these thoughts. There is a certain mechanism working my brain, that just won’t allow me to see myself as the victim and survivor of childhood abuse.I find this very interesting. I am pretty sure that to an outsider this must seem strange.

It seems completely illogical to a ‘healthier’ soul. And yet, this is what we survivors of abuse often find ourselves pondering. We think that maybe on some level ,we provoked it. Maybe we didn’t make it clear enough that we don’t like, what’s being done to us or worst of all, maybe we believe on some level that we deserved it.

One of my all-time favourite YouTubers Lisa A. Romano, who brilliantly puts the abuse experience in all kinds of context, said “It’s not you, it’s your programming.” As I understand, she is talking about the subconscious messaging our mind, soul and even body received, when we were being abused.

This works, of course, perfectly when you’re a child and the people who raise you, gaslight and brainwash you. But I believe, it doesn’t really matter who abused you, when it happened and which kind of abusive behaviour it was, it will leave scars on your soul and the very essence of your being.

The abuser has to make sure to keep their victims’ confidence and self-respect down, because otherwise the victim might simply defend and protect themselves. There is a big danger in not actually realising that you are a victim of abuse, because your abuser told you it wasn’t. This can mean that even when you’re aware enough to seek help, like talking to a therapist, you might still in some why blame yourself for what happened.

Repressing the fact that you have been conditioned and gaslighted to not trust yourself, can stifle our ability to judge the behaviour of others and wreak havoc on the rest of your life. So, you might be careful when it comes to your known abuser, but you might still set yourself up for more abuse by others in the future.

Because it it not only the actual abuse itself – whether you were sexually, emotionally or physically abused, whether it happened within your family, your love relationship or work-life – it is also the invalidation of your feelings. When the abuser and their flying monkeys convince you, that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, that you’re too emotional, that everything you’ve experienced is in fact not abuse at all and that there must be something wrong with you – it will take all of your strength to not let them get to you.

Hear this often enough and you shall believe it! When you are constantly treated like you don’t matter and your emotions are wrong, the message will mess with your entire being on a profound level.

If this happened in your childhood, when you’re very young and impressionable, it will for certainly leave its mark on you. Your family of origin and your environment will definitely influence the way you view the world, especially yourself. So, if your feelings were constantly invalidated, if your needs were not met, if you had to be quiet and never speak up for yourself, it most assuredly will lead you to the conclusion that you don’t matter at all. And you will take this feeling of unworthiness with you everywhere you go.

But I think, this can also happen later in life. Abusers are usually very cunning and skilled in the arts of gaslighting, projection and manipulation. If it is someone you love and trust, they might be able to lure you into their web of deception, even if you had a more positive childhood.

Just as dogma is so dangerous for our species in general, those sometimes subconscious negative feelings about ourselves have the power to hold us back and ruin our lifes. You will attract more people who abuse you and take advantage of you. Abusers are very skilled in picking their victims. So, if your self-conscious and don’t have a great foundation, you will be easy prey for them.

I recently heard an amazing quote (sorry, I’m not sure, who said it): “Be careful when somebody feels like home, if home wasn’t a safe place for you!” But because of your programming, abusers might exactly be the people you’ll feel “at home” with. And they will just reinforce the false messaging, you’d had to deal with your entire life. And maybe worst of all, you will start to confuse abuse with love.

This is why it is so important to remind yourself that no one has the tight to abuse you, no matter what their own history is. No one can talk themselves out of their responsibility for their actions. Don’t ever let them make you believe that things were all your fault and that you should never speak up for yourself.

It is very hard to let go of these deep-seeded false believes. But you can take it one step at the time and replace them with new mantras, like: “I deserve better.”, “I am lovable.” ,“I am allowed to make mistakes., because I am a human” and “nobody has the right to abuse me!”

Don’t let anybody ever tell you differently!