Never give up; and never, under any circumstances, no matter what – never face the facts. 
Ruth Gordon 

This is a topic people try to avoid discussing, whether they ever had thoughts about suicide themselves or they know someone who might be at risk or worse have lost somebody to it. It is just too dark and sad, too inconvenient – there is a stigma.

It does not help that in our society, people who try to commit suicide are often being treated worse than those who kill someone else. They often get locked away, drugged heavily and shamed by friends and family. The question often is “How could you do this to us?” rather than “Why would you do this to yourself?”

Please don’t get me wrong, it is indeed very hard to witness a loved one commit suicide and to conceive why they would just give up on life. Why would they go through such lengths, seemingly to hurt the ones they leave behind. Please know that it is most likely not their intention to hurt you. They simply do not know how to go on. Whatever they went through, nobody else will ever know what it was like or spent the hours they lay awake at night thinking about how to get through it.

For the lucky ones who have never thought about suicide, It is very hard to understand what it feels like. So, it is almost impossible for someone on the outside to find the right words and help a loved one in that state of mind. This is why I think it is so important to talk about this. 

If you know somebody at risk, please do not judge them. They’re probably already feeling guilty.

The feeling that might describe it best is that it’s an insidious mixture of pain and hopelessness, which if it gets too powerful might just take over your mind and tip the scales. The pain is caused by whatever happened in your life that got you to that point, while the hopelessness derives from the believe that things will never change. 

Like a lot of survivors of childhood abuse, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts almost my entire life. I also tried once to end my life, but somebody found me before it was too late. I was only a teenager back then, however it wasn’t a cry for help – I really wanted to die. But more importantly, I am glad today to still be around.

Years ago, I was in a particularly bad phase:  my boyfriend had left me, I’ve had a miscarriage and I lost my job. It was a lot  to take and I had no idea how to ever regain my energy. Christmas was coming up and the holidays always seem to make such a situation worse. Out of despair, I turned to a charity institution. I was lucky and found a good and trustworthy therapist. So, here I was with this professional, yet I was ashamed to admit it was just too much for me and that I had thought about taking my own life to make it stop. I thought, if I admitted  to it now he would have me locked away. I knew about the stigma of being weak and cowardly that surrounds the idea of suicide.

Turned out that guy was really good at his job, I didn’t have to say anything. He knew it and he brought it up. And while I got deep into defensive mode, his response couldn’t have surprised me more. He said:

After everything you’ve been through, it wouldn’t be normal for you not to think about it…

And there it was. The simple truth. It was nothing to be ashamed of, it was a natural reflex. 

Everybody is different in how much they can take. I think a huge part of my shame was me thinking about all those people on this planet who have it way worse, than I ever did. And sadly, they are out there. But this is certainly no competition. 

So, if it feels like it is all just too much and you’re thinking about killing yourself do not give in to guilt or shame. Know it is a natural response to your pain, just don’t go through with it.

…but please don’t do it: 

It took me a long time to understand what Ruth Gordon meant. But I think, I figured it out eventually: the facts do not matter, because they are constantly changing. Your situation seems desolate right now, it might seem that there is no solution to it, but things are always in motion. Those facts will change and they might just change in your favour. 

Look at all the incredible real life stories out there about how people’s luck would change, when they’re least expecting it. Miracles can and do happen and that is a fact.

Suicide is not easy, it takes a tremendous amount of energy and dedication to go through with. So, why not put that same amount of energy into making changes to your life. It is never too late for a fresh start, a new career, relationship or adventure, as long as you’re still breathing.

Even if you’re an atheist or not sure what to believe in, nobody can be certain about what is going to happen after we die. What if karma is a thing after all or if you just would reincarnate again immediately. You would need to learn all the things you already know and could use now, from scratch. 

Most importantly, there are people out there who can and will support you on your personal journey. You are not alone.

Life can be unbearable at times, but your existence, your dreams and hopes are worth fighting for. Your beautiful soul is needed in this world and as Aragorn said in The Lord of the Rings: There is always hope!