What It Really Means To Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse

Stuck, I really got stuck with this one, stuck for a long time. I meant to finish and post so much earlier, but I was struggling to find my courage, struggling to find the right words, struggling to figure out what I actually want to say about this and now I am publishing this, I still don’t believe I’m doing the subject matter any justice. Obviously, I have written about surviving childhood abuse before and it goes without saying that any form of child abuse, any form of abuse at all is horrible and it can never be put into words, how horrible it truly is.

Being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse is far from being easy, but some aspects of this may not be so obvious to others, who never had similar experiences. I can, of course, only really speak from my own perspective here, but I know that I am not alone in experiencing these things.

A big one right off the bat, is that talking to others about this may be much harder than they’ll ever know. This is not only due to the shame and embarrassment, we survivors feel (which really should be with the perpetrators, but it is what it is…). Talking about this often just reminds us of the fact that the people, who should have been protecting us, took our innocence and scarred us for life in an unimaginable way. Talking about it even a little bit, can easily reopen those often barely healed wounds. Another big issue, when it comes to opening up about being an adult survivor of childhood molestation, is that it is seemingly impossible to describe what this means for our lives.

We as survivors often suppress the heck out of this, and if we’d let those memories surface at all, we often simply don’t talk about it. But when we do, things often get complicated. Not only does it make people extremely uncomfortable, which is hardly encouraging when it comes to being open and sharing. If they have had similar experiences, it can trigger painful memories for them as well, and if they cannot relate, they often rather ignore the topic or struggle to find the right words. In either case, most of the times it creates an uncomfortable situation, which isn’t helpful to anybody.

So, it comes as no surprise, that this topic is not talked about enough. Acknowledging it, can tear families and communities apart, as so many refuse to accept the unthinkable. The sad thing is though, that due to this, too many survivors face disbelieve and aggression when they do try to speak out. A line we hear (I am very familiar with is)may be: “Why didn’t you say anything when it happened?”

To that I say, when you are a child, it is a necessity to your survival to be able to trust the adults. Ergo, we had to believe that whatever they were doing to us was acceptable, that this was normal and something that happens everywhere and in every family. And on top of that, those people whom we trusted by default, also told us not to say anything.

To call this destructive is putting it mildly, an understatement, because this is the stuff that destroys a human soul. By telling us to be ‘hush hush’ and that we would be doing something wrong, if we ever talked about this, meant that our foundation had cracks long before the house, we call a human life, was even fully built.

As always, every story is different but a lot of us would forget about the abuse, once we grew up. I encountered some sceptics, who had a hard time believing that I would forget such an awful thing happening to me so early in life. Forgetting or suppressing can be helpful, when it comes to functioning in society. On the other hand, if we forget, we live with a huge shadow over our heads, we’re unable to truly develop our potential and are robbed of the chance to be our true selves.

Here are just a few examples on how our lives may be different from other people:

We can be loners

Like I mentioned above, we don’t always remember the abuse and if we do, we tend to avoid talking about it. Which in turn makes it much harder for others to understand us. Just as much as we are feeling this strange and scary shadow hanging over our heads, others notice it too. But whether we have always remembered the unspeakable, remember later or not at all, we may often seem different to our peers. Often we would notice that others have a kind of unity, we don’t feel able to participate in. Others seem to be able to accept widespread views of the world or what their families have taught them, while we remain doubtful. We have a subconscious awareness that there is more to the world than the official narrative, and that you cannot always trust your own family and the people closest to you. However, we often cannot quite point our finger to it, which may make us appear even more like the odd one out, and in a way the people surrounding us may even become suspicious of us. This then goes full circle, when we cannot really explain ourselves – either we don’t remember where this ominous shadow comes from, or we feel like we mustn’t talk about it – we end up spending a lot of time on our own. We feel safest in our own company.

We lack self-esteem and do not develop our full potential

Abusers often put it in our minds that we are profoundly unworthy, as this enables their abuse – we believe that we don’t deserve any better. The ramifications of such manipulation tactics are usually disastrous, but if you were brainwashed in this manner when you were really young, they are even worse.

We live in a society that is success driven and that requires a certain level of self-esteem. With our deep-seeded feelings of unworthiness, our self-esteem is sometimes simply non-existent. I can’t even begin to describe to you, how often people were surprised with my utter lack of self-confidence. Occasionally, they even seemed to be thinking that I was somehow faking this in an attempt to appear less of a threat, if there was some kind of competition involved. I must’ve heard the sentence: “I don’t know anybody else, who is so mean to themselves!” a gazillion times.

The abuse at a young age takes away our spirit and then as survivors, we don’t really go for the things we want. We tend to give up halfway or completely avoid the risks necessary taking, if you want to advance in life. Because we don’t feel worthy of achieving our goals, we sabotage ourselves.

People pleasing is a thing

A ‘fun’ tool child molesters employ is to make children pay for love and attention. The payment, in this particular case, is letting yourself be raped. It is in essence, your abuser granting you your right to exist. We had no choice, but to constantly seek their approval, but not only theirs. Because we were so young when being violated in this most disgusting manner, we were conditioned to do everything the abuser(s) or anyone else demanded. Because if we wouldn’t, there’d be hell to pay. Children simply cannot exist thinking they did something wrong and then not try to make it all better. For a child to survive, they need to feel safe with the adults that care of them and fitting in, being loved and acknowledged by them, means everything. The pattern runs so deep with us, that when we grow up ,we often attract more abusive people in friendships and relationships. And in everyday life, it remains vital to us to be liked by as many as possible – the people pleasing behaviour will persist. To us it seems like, what we had to offer in the past in exchange for love was so vile, that compared to that people’s expectations now seem manageable, even if we end up only giving and never receiving.

Promiscuity / our adult sex-life

Unlike what many may think, survivors of childhood sexual abuse often tend to be very promiscuous. People often seem to think that such an experience would leave you being practically asexual and for sure, some survivor’s sex life might be non-existent, due to what happened to them. However, as strange as this may sound, because we were so highly sexualised from such a young age, sex is often the only way we know how to connect at all. Unfortunately, unless it is with the right person, there is not much connecting going on and we’re often left feeling more empty after having sex. On the outside, we may seem slutty, but really we just want to be a part of life, of inter-human connection..of something, and we never learned that it is OK to say No.

Whether we are promiscuous or end up completely inhibited, when it comes to sex and even try to avoid it at all costs, we’re not in the best position to find that lasting relationship, we long for and that can leave us feeling lonely and unfulfilled.

C-PTSD / PTSD

With the very first time the sexual abuse happens, we are traumatised for life. Even if it only happened that one time, PTSD will affect you well into adulthood. For many of us though, the abuse happens frequently over a certain period of our life – very often on some kind of unsavoury schedule. Therefore, we can easily develop Complex PTSD/ or C-PTSD. Our entire focus is always on our survival, because we were never safe as a child. We are in a constant fight or flight mode, that can make us appear zoned out and overwhelmed. Frankly, sometimes people just assume we’re stupid. Therefore, things that come relatively easy to others can be a struggle for us. This shadow I talked about, it can make us paranoid. Even if we don’t remember the abuse itself, we have this innate knowing that there may be danger around us. That danger can be as simple, as encountering a person who really doesn’t like us. This would be a normal thing, right? Not a problem for a healthy person, but for us it is. When we were not loved as a child, our wellbeing and survival was at stake, remember? So, the world remains a strange, at times unbearable, place to us. If you feel that unworthy, danger practically lurks at every corner.

We also do not quite understand, why we feel so dirty, like something is so wrong with us and everyone can see it, for sure. They must know there is a dirty little secret in our past, even if we don’t quite remember. And before, we let them expose us, we need to develop a mechanism to control the situation and never take any risks.

This is exhausting. For me, a big thing this manifested as, is my OCD. It takes me at least three times as long as anyone else I know, to leave my house.

You may asked why. Well, I was made to believe that it was my fault that I was raped, that I always misbehaved and that if the grown-ups ignored me, it was definitely my wrong doing that caused this. So, imagine how guilty I’d feel now, if I hadn’t made sure my stove was switched off ten times or that the door was really locked 100 times, before I leave. If there was to be a fire or a break in, I’d have to kill myself. I am often already exhausted, before I’m even out the door to go and attend the actual activity, I was heading to. And I know, I am not the only survivor dealing with this.

Need to revive what was lost

This last one might be simpler and seem way less dramatic, but I wanted to mention it anyway. Because survivors were practically robbed of their childhood, we tend to make up for that later in life. We can be or act very childlike, enjoy playing games way too much, watch children’s programmes and laugh about jokes, designed for ten year olds. Sometimes I feel judged for being like that. So, I just wanted to say to anyone who hasn’t been through this, we survivors need to be a little childish sometimes. It helps, it makes us feel as though we can have a tiny part of what was lost back. And at the end of the day, we are capable of adulting. So, please let us have some innocent fun every now and then.

***

I could continue this list and probably never come to an end. At this moment, I still feel I’m not doing my fellow survivors justice with this post and I hope they’ll forgive me for that. This is, of course, just an excerpt which stems solely from my personal life experience. Other survivors would have different, more profound things and stories to add.

It has been estimated, that one in four adults has experienced sexual abuse in childhood. That would be a quarter of the world’s population, which is a horrible thing to consider. Personally, I believe those numbers might be higher. Simply because, it is well known, that men are less likely to speak up or seek help, so who really knows, what the dark figures may be.

But this is exactly why I will never stop talking about this. People need to be made aware and society needs to act. I know this is not a pleasant topic and whenever I hear the story of someone else, who has experienced CSA, I am heartbroken. But I am also grateful. So grateful from the bottom of my heart, that they have the courage to share their story, to make those listen who try to deny this and for making the world a little bit better. Thank you!

My biggest intention here is to make others, who went through something similar, feel less alone. I truly hope to make a little bit of an impact with my tiny blog and if you are a fellow survivor, please just know that you’re not alone.

Please know what an extraordinarily courageous human being you are for surviving this!

Nightmares

Pondering how surviving abuse might have affected my dream state…

Since I was a child, I have had nightmares on a regular basis. I never thought too much about it, because I’ve always been an avid dreamer, who also remembers her dreams very well. I guess, I just always assumed that nightmares were a normal part of everyone’s life and I am sure to a certain extend they are.

Over the days leading up to and on Halloween my nightmare rate increased and I was reminded of my lifelong history with them. Ever since I was a little child, like four or five years old, I’ve been dreaming about very violent things. ..Like dead bodies and dead bodies bing burned in my presence to cover the tracks of the murderer.

Like I said this had become a normality in my life, I guess I always thought that everyone had gory nightmares like that. Now I am aware that it is not actually everyone, although this may be hard to tell, as I have also noticed that a lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about their dreams in general. I can absolutely relate to that, too. Dreams are very personal, often weird and intimate. Our society doesn’t necessarily encourage us to share those aspects of our existence and experience.

But there are also other people, who remember their dreams well and who occasionally share them, maybe because they were weird in a funny and entertaining way, or maybe they would share them with a therapist in an effort to get to the bottom of their trauma.

But what I am only becoming fully aware of recently, is that it might not be ‘normal’ for a five year old to dream about dead bodies being buried and hidden. It is the proverbial skeleton in the closet, which you probably shouldn’t even have too many of, at that age.

Since I now know that I had been sexually abused at that age already, I can’t help but think that this gruesome dream image might relate to a popular line that pedophiles like to tell the children, they abuse: “This will be our little secret.” The secret that needs to stay hidden…buried.

It is an awful memory, accompanied by the memory of these gory dreams and I have to admit that writing this makes me feel particularly vulnerable and I sometimes wonder, if it is the right thing to do, putting myself out there like this.

But I also know, that children are out there right now, being molested and that it may be an extremely uncomfortable topic, but that we need to talk about these things going on in our world and what they do to people in the long run, anyway. Not addressing it at all, simply won’t help.

I chose to share this quite extreme nightmare, because I’ve come to believe that everyone, who has been abused in some way, shape or form – and I know, they are all horrible, no matter what it was in each individual case – might experience nightmares, accordingly. Whether they remember them or not.

They are scary, no doubt, and sometimes they’d make us feel weird and very uncomfortable with ourselves, but I also strongly believe now, that they are an essential part of recovery. A way of our subconscious mind to deal with what happened to us and maybe even the starting point of our healing journey.

Naturally, I looked up some interpretations of my particular nightmare and the bottom line seems to be that it is about mental discomfort and trying to hide or shy away from a certain part of ourselves. In a way that is almost poetic to me. As horrible as the experience was and as much as I had to suppress these memories for my mental wellbeing at a very young age, it was also important for them to come up in this way, for me to be able to address them later on. it is all about being able to heal.

Naturally, I looked up some common interpretations of a dream like mine and it usually seems to relate to an attempt to mentally disconnect to a certain part of ourselves and trying not to face it or deal with it.

Thinking about this, made me realise just how much my very young self couldn’t possibly deal with the experience in her conscious mind and it brought up some other examples of nightmares, that might stem from being abused.

Someone might relive the day their narcissistic ex left them, in a dream, over and over again. Someone in high school, might dream a couple of times each week about the bully, they face on a daily basis in school.

Someone might dream about a parent, who they officially have a good relationship with, being extremely violent in their dreams.

None of these dreams are particularly pleasant, but I also noticed that they occur less and less with time, when you face what you went through. May it be through therapy, talking to others about it or simply have a good, relieving cry. Those dreams showing up less and less in my experience -I take that as a sign that my healing keeps progressing and that no matter, what we went through, healing is possible.

So, I wanted to share this with you to let you know, that you have the power to survive whatever you had to go through.

We can do this, we will support each other and keep on fighting for our happiness.

Never give up

..is what someone told me a couple of years ago, without knowing what my story is or what my dreams are.

But this was a person, who had fought for decades to fulfil their childhood dream and succeeded in the end. Their journey was taken with many ups, but also with many downs.

So, if you need all of your energy today to just stay awake – that’s ok.

If you need all of your energy today, just to cope with your responsibilities – that’s ok.

If you need all of your energy today, just to drink some water – that’s ok.

If you need all of your energy today, just to eat a little bit – that’s ok.

If you need all of your energy today, just to keep breathing – that’s ok.

If you need all of your energy today, just to stay alive – that’s ok.

Because the ups are bound to show up again.

The Challenge of Forgiving your Abuser

Could you ever forgive your abuser? Or maybe you already have?

If you are a survivor of any kind of abuse, you may find it hard to forgive the person or the people who have done this to you. And you might think, why forgive them at all??! They have done horrible things! Yes, they did do those things and to question the ‘why’ when it comes to forgiveness is fair.

It took me a veeery long time to understand a popular and valid take on forgiveness: you are not doing it for them and you are not giving them an absolution. You do this for yourself to be able to let go of the attachment to the abuser, the situation and eventually the pain it has caused you, to be in a position to move on. And yes, I learned the hard way that ‘holding a grudge’ is not helpful, when you try to get some kind of inner peace.

But I also found myself investigating, why it is actually so hard to forgive people that have abused you in some shape or form. Some people might argue that it depends on the severity of the abuse. For example, some people seem to think that being neglected emotionally by your parents as child is ‘not as bad’ as if they had physically abused you. While I do not necessarily agree with this point of view, I can acknowledge, how the severity snd continuation of the abuse may affect this – but then again, the level of what we can possibly endure is different for everyone.

Other than on this platform, I rarely open up about the details of my abuse. However, when I do, I am often being told to just forgive my abusers already and it leaves me feeling defensive, but not really knowing hoot respond.

Mostly, to be honest, I think how lucky they are to be in a position where you wouldn’t know, how it feels when unspeakable things have happened to you and you’re not faced with this forgiveness- challenge. But they are not wrong about this one aspect: it would make my life-experience a lot lighter to be able to fully forgive.

So, the abuse itself and the horrors that came with it, can make the forgive-y approach tough at times. But I was wondering about another aspect of is….

A personality (or character) disorder is not the same as a mental illness. Because, unlike a mentally challenged person, who might indeed not be aware of what they are doing,. Our abusers did know, what thy were doing!

And proof for this is to me: the behind closed doors – approach, their persistent grooming and gaslighting to make their victims and others think that nothing bad ever happened and their, often so well woven, net of lies. They clearly and very deliberately try to hide their actions.

If you feel like, you need to hide and deny your actions – you clearly understand that what you are doing is not socially accepted and that there might even be repercussions, like imprisonment, if things came to light.

So, this is not a behaviour driven by insanity, they are making a deliberate choice and that choice is to hurt others. Of course, I’m not really telling you anything new – all abuse survivors have to come to grips with this harsh truth many times along their healing journey. I just feel, that it might be something to keep in mind when it comes to the topic of forgiveness. Especially in those moments when others are blaming us for not being able to say in good conscience:”I forgave them.”

This doesn’t mean that it is not possible to forgive, but it means that we have to be gentle to ourselves, when we feel that we are unable to meet those outside demands for being the bigger person –

We are the bigger person, because we survived what was done to us.

It means to acknowledge that they had a reason to make that choice – no matter if we can understand it or not – but, this reason had in fact nothing to do with us and had to do everything with them.

Hopefully, this can enable us to let it go, not by forgetting or condoning their actions, but by taking excellent care of ourselves and move on with our lives and live out maybe long-lost dreams, we had before the abuse.

Never forget that you are a true champion for surviving whatever kind of abuse you had to go trough and that you’re not alone in this. There is no shame in not being able to forgive them so quickly, or even fully. Like everything else along this healing journey, it is a gradual and slow process.

You can do it , if you want to. And if you do, it won’t be for them, but for yourself.

Surviving being the Toxic Systems Scapegoat (…or why I hate being called strong)

The scapegoat or the ‘black sheep’ is usually also the only one who understands the toxicity of the system they’re finding themselves in. They are the flashlight that shines a light on all the manipulation, unfairness and deceit. This system could be your family, your work environment, your circle of friends or other social groups.

The scapegoat often sees through the games and manipulation techniques (e.g. gaslighting) of the narcissistic or psychopathic individual in that group, who plays (or at least tries to play) the others like puppets on a string to achieve the most favourable outcome for them at all times. Most people in the system won’t be conscious of this – otherwise, it would not work.

Especially people who find themselves in a position like the ‘golden child’ have a much harder time to figure out, what is really going on.

In contrast to that, the scapegoat is a thorn in the eye of the abuser. They are the ones who could become dangerous and expose them. What they may not realise is that they often created this ‘danger’ themselves.Se, the abuser needs a scapegoat in the system. someone that is usually at fault, someone that will distract from their wrong doings. someone who is the odd one out – they don’t do or say as everyone else – the one, who never really fit in and also seemed a little weird, to take the blame if need be and them ostracise them and pull them out if they are needed to keep the system running. The abuser picking on them particularly diminishes the scapegoats self-esteem further, so that it becomes a vicious cycle.

The abuser may have the audacity to call the scapegoat ‘strong’ or ‘brave’. There are several reasons for this.

One, it makes it look like the abuser actually likes and acknowledges you – who doesn’t want to be called a strong individual, right?! Secondly, it creates doubt within the system about the narcissists or psychopaths relationship with you. What I mean by this is that if you will receive a compliment every now and then, even those members of the group who might have noticed that you hold a position of disadvantage, can now relax and see the good in the abuser since they are obviously being nice to you, pointing out your strength.

The third reason, I have personally experienced over and over again, is that by calling you strong/ brave, the abuser gives themselves permission to abuse you come more. After all you’re the strong one, so if anybody can take it – it’s you.

This might not make sense to everybody, but I can confirm in retrospect that I was often pushed even harder, neglected, ostracised or straight up abused a little more by those toxic people in my life, shortly after they pointed out just how ‘strong’ I am. To me this is not a compliment (at least not from those kinds of people), but it is one of the most sinister forms of gaslighting.

Being the systems’ scapegoat means that you do not get a real chance of getting to know yourself, especially if the abusive system is your family of origin. Your self-esteem might be very low and you will feel like you don’t really belong, like you are the outsider.

The good news about the latter is that because you will see through all the BS more easily and you might not feel like a valued part of the system anyways, the scapegoat is often the one to walk away.

The scapegoat might also be an empath, focused more on the emotions of other people and therefore losing themselves, as well as not feeling good enough for anything they’d want in life.

But walking away will open up those new possibilities and you will find not only yourself but (pun intended) also your strength… of course, what I really mean is courage! The courage to walk away from an environment that is simply not good for you, the courage to start over and go for what you really want and the courage to speak your truth.

This, just like other things I talk about on this blog, is not an easy thing to do. But you can do it and it will be worth it. That is what I know for sure.

Do it Your Way – Individualism is a Good Thing

“Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other peoples’ thinking. Don’t let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know, what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
Steve Jobs – Stanford Commencement Address

I always felt like an outsider, I never really felt like I belong. Mostly because, I figured out quickly that my opinions, my personal take on life, my very own hopes and dreams did not match the ones of the people surrounding me. What was so strange to me though, was that being different in many ways made me a target. All my life, people have been telling me what I can and cannot do, how I am supposed to see things and even what I’m supposed to think and feel to a certain degree.

We live in times where anything seems possible and opportunities are boundless. We can choose whatever, we want to be. So many choices, so many career paths, so many places to live, do you want to get married – do you not want to get married? Do you feel like stying in the town/ place, you were raised or do you want to move away? Do you want to be employed – do you want to go into business for yourself? Do you want to rent or buy a house? Often, when we are little, we are being told that we can be whatever we want.

However, this paradigm seems to change quickly, once you’ve grown up. On the outside, it may look like we are enjoying more freedom than ever before in the history of mankind. At least that’s what I thought it would be like, when I grew up. In everyday life, however, it doesn’t always seem that way.

There is an awful amount of dogma, an almost sinister force of so called traditions and narrow mindedness at play. It starts with a believe that the place that you were born in determines who you are, that the colour of your skin determines who you are, that your personal goals and dreams deem you a fool, a whole lot of ageism and maybe worst of all a determination that those who not follow a life path which is similar to our peers and maybe dare to have a go at our dreams are not to be trusted and sometimes ostracised.

This dynamic really plays into the hands of abusive people. Because it pretty much ensures that their victims stay exactly where they are, more often than not in a submissive position. It is also easy for them to induce fear, when the abused get any ideas to change that, like making a change in their own life that might give them just a little bit more freedom, they would tell you things like ‘Are you sure you wanna do this? ‘, ‘I just wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself!’, ‘Don’t you think you’re too old for that?’ or ‘Everyone thinks this is a bad idea!’….

Dogma is created under the assumption that everybody wants the same things – not true at all. And it has the unfortunate power to put people who have been abused into a deeper depression.

I was pretty horrified, when I started to notice recently that there are even many inspirational speakers out there who seem not all that free-spirited, as they claim to be and seem to try to put some kind of restriction on people.

But I also noticed the dogmatic comments from people who surround me in my every day life. Their overall conclusion seems to be, that everyone’s life should look similar. You should make similar choices in more or less the same timing. If not you’ll risk being snuffed at, ridiculed or even become an outsider.

This dynamic enables abusers, puts people who didn’t dare to follow their dreams in depression and to a certain degree makes society plunge into addictive behaviours (sugar, alcohol, work, sex…) when people feel like they can’t keep up. The constant comparison is toxic and the illusion is fed by those who profit, like abusive individuals, the pharma, food and other industries and of course the kind of people, who try to make themselves feel better by judging others.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.”
Henry David Thoreau

Maybe the number of choices can be intimidating but that doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with choosing. As long as you don’t hurt anyone else, why shouldn’t you be you and live your own life? Individualism doesn’t have to equal egoism. Going your own way might be challenging sometimes, but man it is going to be worth it!

You have to have the freedom to let your heart guide you You also have the right to make mistakes along the way – you are human. But do not just let these social dogmas define you. Once you’ve stepped away from it – you might discover a whole new world.

Why You need to Allow yourself to feel Angry

Having lived through any kind of abuse, will change a person for sure. Abusers love to push you to your limits, using all kinds of techniques to drive you crazy, like gaslighting, dog- whistling and deception.

At the same time, they teach you that you must react in a way that is more often than not out of character, as they would feast on this energy and your pain like a vampire. Another benefit of this for the abuser, is that the victim often puts themselves in a negative light from the perspective of spectators, who will never now what goes on behind closed doors and maybe even worse than that, the victim loses themselves in the process.

As survivors of abuse, we often cannot tell when it is time to stop blaming ourselves for what happened or is still happening to us. We get scared and too petrified to tell anybody the truth of what is really going on, because we are trained by the abuser to believe deep inside that our feelings are not valid.

This brings up a lot of doubt and we start questioning at times, if we’ve ever really even have been abused. This can even happen, when the abuse was physical and has left visible marks on the body – our mind can be a powerful tool of suppression.

Of course we all make mistakes and are responsible for our own behaviour. It is, however, very hard to deal with your own guilt and shame, while also trying to take on the abusers’. It is a lot to carry inside oneself, especially without the chance to let it out.

While we are still on lockdown, due to the Covid-19 outbreak, I find myself feeling a lot of penned up emotions and it is far from being pretty. Here I am, I have come to understand the many ways , in which I have been abused, I was lucky to have found myself an excellent therapist and I have found a way to socialise with goodhearted people, even though it is very hard for me to do so. Now we face a situation, where contact is limited and the demons , who took a nap deep inside of me, see it as an opportunity to strike again.

I won’t be the only one going through this, and I shudder at the thought of all those people (and animals) being stuck in quarantine with their abuser.

But no matter, what your personal situation is, if you have escaped the abuse and are in some stage within the aftermath or if it is in fact still going on right now – we will experience those deep feelings of anger towards the abuser and the shame that goes with it.

We have been been taught that we have no right to your own emotions, that they are in fact ridiculous and society teaches us, that it is not civilised to show anger and frustration – this may go for women especially, but male survivors of abuse will also struggle for sure, with these emotions that should have no outlet. Psychopaths and narcissists take advantage of this societal rule.

As survivors, we have been attacked by monsters, who might be delighted evoke a monstrous reaction from us, so they can call us the monster. It is very important that we allow ourselves to feel the anger and not let it fester, as this is when it might start to become dangerous for others and ourselves.

I believe it all starts with self compassion and the understanding that the pain and the anger have a cause. Understand the cause and do whatever you can to walk away from it, so the abuser won’t be able to trigger you to look crazy. Do not listen to them and please know that feeling angry at times is natural – it doesn’t make you a monster, it makes you human! Your anger is a sign that something is not right, so please notice it !

Know that you are not alone in this, many of us struggle with this, while, as abuse survivors, we have actually been through enough already.

Try your best to understand this, try to drown their lying voices out, if you can try to find a therapist (there are great and affordable online services) – most importantly, find yourself again. They have distorted this image of yourself. But you can find your courage. There is always a way out and the anger may be able to show you the way.

Resurfacing Trauma during Covid-19 Lockdown

I hope you’re all well and safe, as we’re currently under lockdown in so many countries around the world. It is a perfect opportunity for all kind of old trauma to resurface. This is now my fourth week on lockdown and the old stuff is really starting to get to me and I am sure that this might be happening to a lot of you as well.

It seems a little counter-intuitive, because the situation we’re facing has actually brought me closer to some people in my life. Conversations are forced to happen via call or texting, but they seem to run deeper than usual. So, you have more time to talk to people you cherish in your life and this is also, how I found out that I am not the only one. We have been forced to slow down, take a break and come face to face with those demons, we have buried deep inside.

I find myself battling with things, I thought I had at least dealt with to a point where I can cope comfortably. But NO, it feels like these abuses, embarrassments or soul-crushing events, just happened yesterday.

So, I can’t help but wonder why. Is it simply because I live on my own? Is it the lack of real, non virtual contact with other people? Is it bound to drive you crazy, when your sleeping, living, eating and your office space are basically the same?

I wasn’t content with this kind of explanation, so I’ve been pondering this hard for at least the last 14 days. Of course, trying to take a more psychological scientific approach to things is also one of my go to coping mechanisms, and it never makes these things disappear. So, I am now trying a more philosophical view.

Maybe this is meant to happen. Maybe this is exactly the right time to deal with those memories, as painful as they may be. With the speed of our everyday lives slowing down, I believe our soul or psyche, whatever you prefer has to take this chance for catharsis. And I believe the old adage that things have to get worse before they get better may apply.

As a survivor of abuse of any kind, trauma will be stored inside your body, your mind and your soul to some extend. I don’t know about you, but I’m almost at a point where it feels like, I ‘m going through my life minute by minute, not only filtering through abusive situations but also those, that triggered me into remembering the abuse. Triggers will make you feel horribly and react in ways, that do not reflect your real self. When triggered, we might say or do something which may be considered inappropriate by others and this can create more trauma and insecurities. It can become a vicious cycle and basically and this is what I find myself caught in these days.

Trauma never really goes away, I had gotten my hopes up many times, I admit it! If I only could work through those things intensely enough, they would vanish once and for all. But this will never happen.

Instead, this slower pace of life might just enable us to face and fight these ancient demons, because it gives us the opportunity to look at things and being triggered without necessarily being judged by others. This retreat also gives us time to work through trauma in a sense where we get a different perspective. Usually, when memories come up, we may be at work, at school or just about to meet somebody or have to be someplace public. Now we can go into a cocoon and we don’t have to necessarily limit our emotional response. It is catharsis.

It might also enable us to take a good look at our abusers. Where we may have had a tendency to find all kinds of excuses for them, because the truth was just too hard to swallow, we now see them for who they are. We remember more details, more background story and this can lead us to more personal freedom. We can recognise that we were not the only player in these situations and that everything is not our fault.

These traumatic experiences which are stored deep inside of us, will show their ugly faces every now and then.

But iI truly believe, these very special circumstances, we’re facing, will enable us to face them with even more courage and self empowerment than before. Maybe they might just get quieter over time, when they realise that we are not the same anymore. And coping will become easier and easier to a point where past experience won’t matter that much, because we’re looking forward.

You deserve better than being haunted by memories, you deserve an improved future! You can do this!

About Emotional Triggers

Any triggered memory of the abuse hits you like a sledge hammer, that may bring out your darkest side.

My abuse survivor healing journey began about three years ago. It happened at my former workplace: one of my co-workers started to whistle to a song that was on the radio (yes, it was a cool office like that). But it was not your regular kind of whistling, it was the kind when people whistle through their teeth. They did it so cheerfully and innocently. But I had a violent and yet numbing reaction to it. I wanted to choke them, just to make them stop.

I went into a state of shock and all I could think of was child molestation.Wait, what now?! This co-worker was one of the sweetest and kindest people, I have ever met. And I am sure until this day, that they’d never do anything like that. Honestly, I felt lost and petrified, I had no idea what was going on in my had and I was scared.

It took me a couple of days and a lot of online research to figure it out: my late grandfather used to whistle just like that and then my real bad reaction to hearing this sound again was because it eventually reminded of being raped by him as a little girl.

It might be triggers like that, which brings back these memories of abuse, we’ve repressed for years. But emotional triggers will also taunt you later. Things you smell, see, hear ..certain scenes or situations, playing out your nightmare right in front of you, – reminding you of the ways of your abuser.

Within a split second, they’ll leave you feeling completely powerless and turn you back into the victim. You time travel back to the possibly worst time of your life and often react in inappropriate ways, you later regret. They put you back in the vicious cycle and the horror will start all over again.

Today I had a bad experience at work and my co-worker send me a message that said:’I hope you’ll be happy again soon’ I know, she meant it. She is a very sweet person. But it just reminded me of all those times when the abusers in my life told me to smile. Because, it is just something they do. They will hurt you in the worst possible ways, torture your soul and then force you to smile for the rest of the world. So, no one will ever suspect them.

These charades will break you over time and it is not easy to overpower them and not be triggered by all kinds of stimuli that make you act like an abuse survivor .But it is possible to let go of it. Every day a little more and take back control of your life.