Category: dogma

Happy to be a Part of Your Problem

Survivors on a Mission 

Many people seem to see social media as some kind of curse and granted there are a bunch of negative side-effects to being able to share your entire life online. like online bullying.

But,  on the other had, the voice that social media and the internet as a whole, have given to abuse survivors is truly beneficial.  A voice has been given to people, who didn’t really have one before. Whether it is a whistle-blower, a creative person who finally gets to promote their art, or an abuse survivor.  

Finding your voice is important in any case, but for abuse survivors it is also an essential part of the healing journey.  And if you’re not comfortable telling your story to others, it may be enough to tell it to yourself.  Very often the trauma, we survived stays stuck inside of us, quietly wreaking havoc.  Others might not understand what we’re going through and surviving abuse can be very lonely at times. So, while we need to be careful whom we share our stories with, there is a sense of relief in doing so and an opportunity to find others, who have been through something similar.  Finding your own tribe, a family, whatever you wanna call it – it is essential. 

Another big plus of sharing your insights – raising awareness! People have started to tell their stories, be it on social media, platforms like YouTube, they’ve written books, blogs, they have podcasts etc.

But the point is that survivors of abuse now DO share their stories, whether they have a professional background, as in the field of psychology or not.  And that is great!

Abuse has been going on for eons and all over our beautiful planet. But never before, has there been a time when information about it was so widespread.  We can now just google terms, like ‘gaslighting’ or ‘dog-whistling’ and educate ourselves. And that goes for everyone – people, who may have no idea how serious these things are, people who are being abused and survivors. Everyone gets a fair chance to find out the truth of what’s out there. But all of this has another huge advantage. It makes the life of abusive people harder. 

Awareness is everything.  And when victims of abuse start to actually understand what mechanisms lie behind the atrocities they had to endure, it’ll get harder and harder for abusers to have their way. 

People who are aware, that they are being gaslighted are much harder to be gaslighted. When you eventually learn that other victims of domestic violence found a safe place and were able to escape, you might be empowered to ditch your own unhealthy relationship. When someone with a lack of self-love becomes aware, that this is a direct result of childhood abuse and realises that the person, who molested them as a child is the same individual who made them feel so unworthy in the first place – the cycle can be broken. 

Abusers are manipulators. Often the manipulation of their victims, is enough abuse in itself. But their entire gig depends heavily on being able to influence their victims, especially if the abuse is ongoing.  At the very least they need to make you believe that this is OK, meaning that it is not actually abuse and if you think that, you are the crazy one. Or they make you think that you are the problem and this is happening to you because you deserve it. Because you are inherently bad. But in some way, shape or form, they need to have some sway over you, to keep you in line.

So, when the victim starts to educate themselves about the mechanisms abusers employ, this narrative becomes much harder to maintain or may even be completely destroyed. Speaking out and dragging these abusive mechanisms into the open, makes it harder for abusers to follow through on their plans and, I truly believe, that it may even help prevent some things from happening.

And while I fully understand that me and my blog are just tiny little fish in the vast ocean of the internet, I have to admit that I actually feel honoured to be a tiny little part of this problem for abusive individuals. I am not a therapist, psychiatrist or in any way formally educated, when it comes to these matters.  All I have are my personal experiences. But still, I do believe that every voice that may provide even a little bit of insight, can be helpful.

So, please find your voice if you can. Every story counts. Every story helps.

This is a valuable source with some tips when it comes to the safety of kids: https://www.siebenpolklaw.com/child-safety-tips/

Do it Your Way – Individualism is a Good Thing

“Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other peoples’ thinking. Don’t let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know, what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Steve Jobs – Stanford Commencement Address

I always felt like an outsider, I never really felt like I belong.  Mostly because, I figured out quickly that my opinions, my personal take on life, my very own hopes and dreams did not match the ones of the people surrounding me.  What was so  strange to me though, was that being different in many ways made me a target.  All my life, people have been telling me what I can and cannot do, how I am supposed to see things and even what I’m supposed to think and feel to a certain degree. 

We live in times where anything seems possible and opportunities are boundless. We can choose whatever, we want to be. So many choices, so many career paths, so many places to live, do you want to get married – do you not want to get married?  Do you feel like stying in the town/ place, you were raised or do you want to move away?  Do you want to be employed  – do you want to go into business for yourself? Do you want to rent or buy a house?  Often, when we are little, we are being told that we can be whatever we want.

However, this paradigm seems to change quickly, once you’ve grown up. On the outside, it may look like we are enjoying more freedom than ever before in the history of mankind. At least that’s what I thought it would be like, when I grew up. In everyday life, however,  it doesn’t always seem that way.  

There is an awful amount of dogma, an almost sinister force of so called traditions and narrow mindedness at play.  It starts with a believe that the place that you were born in determines who you are, that the colour of your skin determines who you are, that your personal goals and dreams deem you a fool, a whole lot of ageism and maybe worst of all a determination that those who not follow a life path which is similar to our peers and maybe dare to have a go at our dreams are not to be trusted and sometimes ostracised.

This dynamic really plays into the hands of abusive people.  Because it pretty much ensures that their victims stay exactly where they are, more often than not in a submissive position. It is also easy for them to induce fear, when the abused get any ideas to change that, like making a change in their own life that might give them just a little bit more freedom, they would tell you things like ‘Are you sure you wanna do this? ‘, ‘I just wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself!’, ‘Don’t you think you’re too old for that?’ or ‘Everyone thinks this is a bad idea!’….

Dogma is created under the assumption that everybody wants the same things – not true at all. And it has the unfortunate power to put people who have been abused into a deeper depression.

I was pretty horrified, when I started to notice recently that there are even many inspirational speakers out there who seem not all that free-spirited, as they claim to be and seem to try to put some kind of restriction on people. 

But I also noticed the dogmatic comments from people who surround me in my every day life.  Their overall conclusion seems to be, that everyone’s life should look similar. You should make similar choices in more or less the same timing. If not you’ll risk being snuffed at, ridiculed or even become an outsider. 

This dynamic enables abusers, puts people who didn’t dare to follow their dreams in depression and to a certain degree makes society plunge into addictive behaviours (sugar, alcohol, work, sex…) when people feel like they can’t keep up. The constant comparison is toxic and the illusion is fed by those who profit, like abusive individuals, the pharma, food and other industries and of course the kind of people, who try to make themselves feel better by judging others. 

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.”

Henry David Thoreau

Maybe the number of choices can be intimidating but that doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with choosing. As long as you don’t hurt anyone else, why shouldn’t you be you and live your own life? Individualism doesn’t have to equal egoism. Going your own way might be challenging sometimes, but man it is going to be worth it!

You have to have the freedom to let your heart guide you  You also have the right to make mistakes along the way – you are human.  But do not just let these social dogmas define you. Once you’ve stepped away from it – you might discover a whole new world.