Resurfacing Trauma during Covid-19 Lockdown

I hope you’re all well and safe, as we’re currently under lockdown in so many countries around the world. It is a perfect opportunity for all kind of old trauma to resurface. This is now my fourth week on lockdown and the old stuff is really starting to get to me and I am sure that this might be happening to a lot of you as well.

It seems a little counter-intuitive, because the situation we’re facing has actually brought me closer to some people in my life. Conversations are forced to happen via call or texting, but they seem to run deeper than usual. So, you have more time to talk to people you cherish in your life and this is also, how I found out that I am not the only one. We have been forced to slow down, take a break and come face to face with those demons, we have buried deep inside.

I find myself battling with things, I thought I had at least dealt with to a point where I can cope comfortably. But NO, it feels like these abuses, embarrassments or soul-crushing events, just happened yesterday.

So, I can’t help but wonder why. Is it simply because I live on my own? Is it the lack of real, non virtual contact with other people? Is it bound to drive you crazy, when your sleeping, living, eating and your office space are basically the same?

I wasn’t content with this kind of explanation, so I’ve been pondering this hard for at least the last 14 days. Of course, trying to take a more psychological scientific approach to things is also one of my go to coping mechanisms, and it never makes these things disappear. So, I am now trying a more philosophical view.

Maybe this is meant to happen. Maybe this is exactly the right time to deal with those memories, as painful as they may be. With the speed of our everyday lives slowing down, I believe our soul or psyche, whatever you prefer has to take this chance for catharsis. And I believe the old adage that things have to get worse before they get better may apply.

As a survivor of abuse of any kind, trauma will be stored inside your body, your mind and your soul to some extend. I don’t know about you, but I’m almost at a point where it feels like, I ‘m going through my life minute by minute, not only filtering through abusive situations but also those, that triggered me into remembering the abuse. Triggers will make you feel horribly and react in ways, that do not reflect your real self. When triggered, we might say or do something which may be considered inappropriate by others and this can create more trauma and insecurities. It can become a vicious cycle and basically and this is what I find myself caught in these days.

Trauma never really goes away, I had gotten my hopes up many times, I admit it! If I only could work through those things intensely enough, they would vanish once and for all. But this will never happen.

Instead, this slower pace of life might just enable us to face and fight these ancient demons, because it gives us the opportunity to look at things and being triggered without necessarily being judged by others. This retreat also gives us time to work through trauma in a sense where we get a different perspective. Usually, when memories come up, we may be at work, at school or just about to meet somebody or have to be someplace public. Now we can go into a cocoon and we don’t have to necessarily limit our emotional response. It is catharsis.

It might also enable us to take a good look at our abusers. Where we may have had a tendency to find all kinds of excuses for them, because the truth was just too hard to swallow, we now see them for who they are. We remember more details, more background story and this can lead us to more personal freedom. We can recognise that we were not the only player in these situations and that everything is not our fault.

These traumatic experiences which are stored deep inside of us, will show their ugly faces every now and then.

But iI truly believe, these very special circumstances, we’re facing, will enable us to face them with even more courage and self empowerment than before. Maybe they might just get quieter over time, when they realise that we are not the same anymore. And coping will become easier and easier to a point where past experience won’t matter that much, because we’re looking forward.

You deserve better than being haunted by memories, you deserve an improved future! You can do this!

About Emotional Triggers

Any triggered memory of the abuse hits you like a sledge hammer, that may bring out your darkest side.

My abuse survivor healing journey began about three years ago. It happened at my former workplace: one of my co-workers started to whistle to a song that was on the radio (yes, it was a cool office like that). But it was not your regular kind of whistling, it was the kind when people whistle through their teeth. They did it so cheerfully and innocently. But I had a violent and yet numbing reaction to it. I wanted to choke them, just to make them stop.

I went into a state of shock and all I could think of was child molestation.Wait, what now?! This co-worker was one of the sweetest and kindest people, I have ever met. And I am sure until this day, that they’d never do anything like that. Honestly, I felt lost and petrified, I had no idea what was going on in my had and I was scared.

It took me a couple of days and a lot of online research to figure it out: my late grandfather used to whistle just like that and then my real bad reaction to hearing this sound again was because it eventually reminded of being raped by him as a little girl.

It might be triggers like that, which brings back these memories of abuse, we’ve repressed for years. But emotional triggers will also taunt you later. Things you smell, see, hear ..certain scenes or situations, playing out your nightmare right in front of you, – reminding you of the ways of your abuser.

Within a split second, they’ll leave you feeling completely powerless and turn you back into the victim. You time travel back to the possibly worst time of your life and often react in inappropriate ways, you later regret. They put you back in the vicious cycle and the horror will start all over again.

Today I had a bad experience at work and my co-worker send me a message that said:’I hope you’ll be happy again soon’ I know, she meant it. She is a very sweet person. But it just reminded me of all those times when the abusers in my life told me to smile. Because, it is just something they do. They will hurt you in the worst possible ways, torture your soul and then force you to smile for the rest of the world. So, no one will ever suspect them.

These charades will break you over time and it is not easy to overpower them and not be triggered by all kinds of stimuli that make you act like an abuse survivor .But it is possible to let go of it. Every day a little more and take back control of your life.

Feeling Unworthy of Love after being Abused?

Has this ever happened to you:

You’ve met someone great and just couldn’t trust them, because they seem to care about you, but it just reminds you, of how much you trusted your previous partner and they let you down in the end?

Have you ever made friends with someone new at school or work and your mother who has never nourished you with love in any fashion, advises you not to open up too much to them?

Maybe you even feel at this point that, over the course of your life all of these people you wanted to trust and love eventually disappointed you. So, why even bother anymore?

When you have been abused at any point in your life, psychologically, emotionally, physically or sexually, you might know what I’m talking about. You are very cautious, who you let into your life and whom to trust, because you have most likely been burnt by more people than your (main) abuser.

It is a sinister dynamic. Your abuser would never admit guilt or even take the least bit of responsibility for their actions. That means that this burden will rest with you for eternity, as abusive people are highly unlikely to change. So, you as the abuse survivor are left feeling responsible for being deeply hurt and violated by someone else and it comes with the horrible, but seemingly rational conclusion that you deserved this.

This seems so off to any empathetic outsider. Why would you as the one who got hurt, the one who gave their love and never got any reciprocity feel unlovable? Yet, this is the way it works.

Abuse survivors have often been taught, even been induced with the feeling that they are unworthy: unworthy of good things in their life, like success, pride and love. This is the only method the abuser can ensure their ‘success’. Their victim feeling so undeserving of good and on the other hand feeling so deserving of the mistreatment, ensures that they will be able to hide their actions. As long as you think, this is all OK, it is very unlikely for the outside world to intervene. It is the ‘dirty little secret’ between you and the abuser, whom you most likely felt love for or maybe still do.

But this love is unbalanced and will never give you what you need.

What’s more is that this constantly being left with all of this responsibility (which nobody could possibly bear) will leave you coming short of their expectations. And the abuser will make you aware of this and thereby making sure that you take on the guilt and they go free.

After going through this you may become so brainwashed and conditioned of feeling bad and worthless, that you are likely to expect defeat in meaningful relationships. This may play out like a self-fulfilling prophecy without you even giving another person a real chance. May it be a friendship, business or love relationship.

It also will set you up as bait for new abusers entering your life and they most assuredly will continue the same game, you used to play with your initial abuser. It is a vicious cycle.

How to get over this? I am certain that you can! What really seems to help me personally, is taking a long hard look at the actions of your abuser – at face value. They might have found excuses that seemed so valid at the time – but really, look at what happened. Try to see the bigger picture. Then asked yourself, would you or any of the people you actually trust in your life, ever treat anybody like that? And if not, why?

Maybe even find validation in outside opinions. Tell your story to a therapist or to somebody, you truly trust. They will confirm, how horrible this is to hear and that you did not deserve this.

I know this can be hard. I am honestly still trying to open up about my own story on this blog. I know, how vulnerable it makes you feel.

If you feel like you don’t want to open up, there is a ton of literature out there with case examples of abuse and about the various kinds of personality disorders, your abuser might have had. This can help and you’re gonna know that you are not alone. It is a very long journey to overcome this, but never give up! You got this and things will get better!

A Game of Power

The control-freakiness of the narcissist and psychopath

Only now from a distance, I am able to recognise certain patterns within my relationships with those narcissists, psychopaths or their flying monkeys in my life. Only now, I recognise these mind-games, manipulation and control-freakiness.

It was only on that day when my birthmother gave me that look over a huge terrace, which was filled with people at a wedding reception. It was mean, it was dirty and it sent one message: ‘I don’t like what you’re doing right now, I do not approve!’ Mind you, what I was doing at this moment was standing in a place and having a conversation she hadn’t ‘authorised’. My first thought was, how embarrassing this was, but then I realised that nobody else seemed to notice. It was a thing between her and me.

It was one of those moments when a million thoughts run through your mind within a split second. I wondered, why my body was reacting the way it did. I wondered, how a knot in your stomach could appear so sudden. I wondered, what does she want and if she wants me to do something, why doesn’t she speak instead of stare. And most importantly, why I am even considering all of this – I am an adult, I should be able to decide, where I want to hang out and whom I want to talk to.

It was a demonstration of power. But, it was also possibly the first time, it didn’t quite work. I had begun to break loose. But it’s been a long way, a very long time spent in oblivion.

You could call it a revelation. I started to remember many occasions just like this one, that had occurred over the course of my life, i.e. when I tried to open up about the sexual abuse in my childhood and my mother almost instantaneously went into discussing other peoples’ bad childhoods. Later she also told me that she thought, me being molested at the age of four was probably not that bad and that I should just get over it. I am not saying that my abuse was worse than what anybody else had gone through – all kinds of abuse are wrong. But putting you in your place by minimising your experience, is just one of many ways abusers like to use to make you more receptive to their version of the truth and ‘keep you in line’.

The wedding also had me remember observing these patterns in my environment all my life: people changing their behaviour completely once their spouse enters the scene, children being cruel to other family members and then looking to their parents for the expected approval or people who have been severely harmed (physically or emotionally) by someone, but then being the ones apologising?!

When I started to do some research on narcissism and psychopathy, the information started to add up quickly. One thing, I heard a psychologist say about narcissists will always stand out for me, as it might be the shortest explanation to make you aware of what you’re dealing with: They always and under any circumstances want to bring you in a one-down position – they need to know that they have the ‘upper hand’. So, we’re talking about control and it was at that wedding, I realised that I am not a person to my mother, but a character in her game to be handled and manipulated – a puppet on a string. I had been conditioned to keep my head down, to obey and to give up my needs, without even knowing it.

An abusive person will condition and ‘train’ you to submit to them. And it will be a slow burning, sinister process which is done to you intentionally. Be very careful to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, we all hurt people unintentionally and get hurt the same way. Abusers, though, do this strategically and it is often more than difficult to see through it.

They will sniff out your biggest fears and weaknesses, tease you about it and then expose them publicly, undermining your self-esteem. They will use triangulation and pit you against people close to you, whom you used to trust. They will work you over years and years, chewing away your foundation. This can be done through underhanded suggestions and messages about how weak, unimportant and unworthy you are.

But there will be plausible deniability. So, if you mention something to an outsider, they would respond with things like ‘He/She didn’t mean that!’, ‘you probably heard that wrong!’ or ‘They only mean well.’

Or in my case, some people might say ‘Well, maybe your mother couldn’t handle the thought of her child being molested, so she went in to denial!’

I believe that the reality is that you are being prepped for more abuse. Wether you are experiencing this within your family, at your workplace, in school or within a friendship – if you’re dealing with an abuser, they will work you for a long period of time. It can be months, it can be years or even decades.

This is happening for the sole purpose of of conditioning you, so they can take advantage of you without sparking suspicion at any given time. They make sure to keep you in a constant one-down position in which you can easily be manipulated. Whenever you start to stand up for yourself, you will be reminded of your own shortcomings to keep you in check. This can be done with words, looks, gestures, through other people (the so called flying monkeys) – really any kind of trigger in the physical world.

In most cases, especially if you are unaware of what’s happening to you, they will be successful and you will cave in. You’re being conditioned to please them and their love is anything but unconditional.

It may not look like it to the outside world. They often manage to make themselves look the victim, while manipulating you to perform their will without anybody noticing, not even you.

The effect will be that you stop trusting yourself and that you will be grateful to your abuser for lowering themselves to your level and that you feel like you can rely on them to guide you.

So, what to do about it. I believe it is inevitable that one of these days you will begin to notice the dynamic – even if it has been going on for ages and even, if you are the only one seeing it.

Just observe for a while, if you are really uncertain. Observe, how they are treating other people. Compare.You will note some differences. You might be the only one being treated this way, their main squeeze. Or they might entertain an entire ‘harem’ to pick from. Either way, their power games are not always so obvious.

It might very well be that nobody else will see it and that nobody will believe you. So you’ll have to stay strong. You might have to be your own best friend and closest ally for a while.

But the good news is, once you’ve seen through it there is no going back. You will be aware and that is gonna be good enough to protect yourself and cut off those strings. You can break yourself free from their grip.

Do not stay stuck and don’t give in to their game.

Spending the Holidays on your own

***I know, I’m a little late to the party…but wishing everybody a beautiful and peaceful holiday season***

It is that time of the year, when many people are focused on spending some quality time with family and loved ones. Some of us, though, are painfully reminded that some of our relationships with others have been strained or are just too unhealthy to be continued. If you are, like me, spending this time alone, please know that you’re not the only one and that there is no shame in it.

This is not the first holiday season, I spent on my own and I have to say, that it is not only getting easier but actually really enjoyable – it is quality time with myself…and I love it!

I was expecting to feel lonely and maybe even fall into depression, not being in a holiday spirit at all. That’s what had happened in past years. But not this time: There were heartfelt Christmas cards from co-workers, I found out that some friends were celebrating all by themselves as well and that some people were still finding time to chat with me, while being ‘busy’ with their personal relationships.

I was still on my own, but I connected with people and it felt good and festive after all!

So, even if you feel alone, you’re not… you are in my heart and I know there are many of us all around the globe. If this is your first time, it won’t be easy. But I promise you, that it is nothing to be afraid of. There will always be people in a similar situation and you will get a chance to connect.

Try to enjoy this quality time with yourself! You might be surprised how great that can feel.

Lots of love,

Melli

The Importance of Hope

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’
Audrey Hepburn

Years ago, I saw a therapist who told me that I shouldn’t have hope.

She told me, that hope was nothing more than a defence-mechanism and therefore, hope can be dangerous. It meant to her that i am not wiling to face reality and the cold, hard truths of my life. I was speechless, when she said that, and completely taken aback.

Hope had always been a substantial part of my healing process. Hope for better times and better things to come my way, hope for relationships to improve…Hope, simply, for a better tomorrow.

Luckily, I figured out quickly that this therapist might not be the best match for me and I moved on and found a GREAT one. However, I remember clearly losing hope (if only for a moment) back then. After this discouraging experience, I thought for a moment that there are simply no therapists out there, that might be able to get me through my piled up emotional baggage. This may seem unreasonable, but I’m sure some can relate. Losing hope can happen oh so quickly. Sometimes, you are not even aware that you lost it, only an outsider might be able to tell. I believe that, unfortunately, it is easy to lose hope, especially for abuse survivors.

So, I’m trying to remind myself of all the happy endings, I already experienced: I did find an amazing therapist, who helps me more than I’d even be able to describe with words. And that is by far not the only story, I know of, that proves that hope is worth having.

In all fairness, I believe what at least some of the ‘no hope enthusiasts’ might talk about, is the concept of ‘false hope’. And you might want to defend them, saying that they simply mean well and don’t wish to see you get disappointed. But, how could they possibly predict, how things will develop for work out or you? There are so many possibilities in this world, for better or worse – they are chances you’ll have to take.

One day, I got talking with my co-worker about all the places, we always dreamt moving to. But all of our dream destinations come with the visa issue attached, you cannot just pack your bags and move there. So, the question is, is something like this possible at all, given all of those obvious obstacles?

The answer has to be yes, because difficult simply does not mean impossible. You could also make an argument for something being ultimately more satisfying, if you had to fight for it, if you had to overcome obstacles to get to where you wanted to be. And maybe some things are actually meant to be.

This chat with my co-worker reminded me of another true story about hope, I heard years ago: There was a man living in the UK, going through a very hard time. He had just been through a difficult divorce and he had been out of work for a couple of months at the time. Another thing, you need to know about this English man is that he had always been dreaming about living in Canada, at last for the last 25 years or so. And mostly because it had been such a long time, without him seeing any way to make this dream come true, he had pretty much given up on it. One day, he went for a walk to distract himself from the fact that he hadn’t been successful with his jobs applications for quite some time and passed by a public library. His gut feeling guided him to go inside, although he had never even been in that particular street before. He started browsing through books and felt drawn to grab one of them, when a business card fell out of the book. Believe it or not, the card belonged to a Canadian business man. Our guy recognised it for the sign that it was and contacted them. And the The story has a true happy ending – the Canadian business owner employed the English man, who moved to Canada and has been living there ever since.

Remembering this story then got me on a roll and I realised that I heard countless stories, just like it. People who got back together with their high-school love, sometimes after 50 or 60 years; people who have been told that they were infertile and believed this for decades but then became parents after all; or some creative spirits who never thought, they would do anything with their talent suddenly becoming successful…The list actually goes on and on.

I have been thinking about possible motives of people, advertising the concept of ‘false hope’, a lot. Often they may mean well, they may worry that you might get hurt….but sometimes, I think, you need to question their motives, especially when you’re dealing with an abusive person. They just might not want you to be happy and fulfil your own dreams, because the happier and more fulfilled you’ll get, the more they will lose their control over you. Whenever somebody is cautioning you to ‘not get your hope up’, you should ask yourself: Is there something they might get out of you not being hopeful?

Personally, I believe, there is no such thing as false hope. Hope is simply the essence of not giving up. As Abraham Hicks were once saying: “You cannot give up on a big dream!”

So, remembering all of those real life stories, helped me to remind myself that I do believe in the validity of hope, that dreams can come true and that some things are indeed meant to happen for you. I believe that if you cannot let go of a dream for years and sometimes even for decades, it means that it is yours to experience.

If we really want something, it is simply not in our human nature to give up hope. This ‘thing’, we want means something to us – is all that is. And dreams and visions are meant to be pursued, they are with us for a reason. Especially, when the reason is to move forward with your life and heal from abuse.

Never give up.

Unravel Your Hidden Programming

You have escaped the cage. Your wings are stretched out. Now fly.

Rumi

How come, I still feel responsible for having been sexually abused as a child? Maybe it was all my fault after all? Maybe, if I’d just told my grown up grandfather that he doesn’t have my consent, maybe he would have stopped raping me? Maybe all of my trauma is actually caused by me?

It’s an odd assumptions to make, right? But every now and then, I am haunted by these thoughts. There is a certain mechanism working my brain, that just won’t allow me to see myself as the victim and survivor of childhood abuse.I find this very interesting. I am pretty sure that to an outsider this must seem strange.

It seems completely illogical to a ‘healthier’ soul. And yet, this is what we survivors of abuse often find ourselves pondering. We think that maybe on some level ,we provoked it. Maybe we didn’t make it clear enough that we don’t like, what’s being done to us or worst of all, maybe we believe on some level that we deserved it.

One of my all-time favourite YouTubers Lisa A. Romano, who brilliantly puts the abuse experience in all kinds of context, said “It’s not you, it’s your programming.” As I understand, she is talking about the subconscious messaging our mind, soul and even body received, when we were being abused.

This works, of course, perfectly when you’re a child and the people who raise you, gaslight and brainwash you. But I believe, it doesn’t really matter who abused you, when it happened and which kind of abusive behaviour it was, it will leave scars on your soul and the very essence of your being.

The abuser has to make sure to keep their victims’ confidence and self-respect down, because otherwise the victim might simply defend and protect themselves. There is a big danger in not actually realising that you are a victim of abuse, because your abuser told you it wasn’t. This can mean that even when you’re aware enough to seek help, like talking to a therapist, you might still in some why blame yourself for what happened.

Repressing the fact that you have been conditioned and gaslighted to not trust yourself, can stifle our ability to judge the behaviour of others and wreak havoc on the rest of your life. So, you might be careful when it comes to your known abuser, but you might still set yourself up for more abuse by others in the future.

Because it it not only the actual abuse itself – whether you were sexually, emotionally or physically abused, whether it happened within your family, your love relationship or work-life – it is also the invalidation of your feelings. When the abuser and their flying monkeys convince you, that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, that you’re too emotional, that everything you’ve experienced is in fact not abuse at all and that there must be something wrong with you – it will take all of your strength to not let them get to you.

Hear this often enough and you shall believe it! When you are constantly treated like you don’t matter and your emotions are wrong, the message will mess with your entire being on a profound level.

If this happened in your childhood, when you’re very young and impressionable, it will for certainly leave its mark on you. Your family of origin and your environment will definitely influence the way you view the world, especially yourself. So, if your feelings were constantly invalidated, if your needs were not met, if you had to be quiet and never speak up for yourself, it most assuredly will lead you to the conclusion that you don’t matter at all. And you will take this feeling of unworthiness with you everywhere you go.

But I think, this can also happen later in life. Abusers are usually very cunning and skilled in the arts of gaslighting, projection and manipulation. If it is someone you love and trust, they might be able to lure you into their web of deception, even if you had a more positive childhood.

Just as dogma is so dangerous for our species in general, those sometimes subconscious negative feelings about ourselves have the power to hold us back and ruin our lifes. You will attract more people who abuse you and take advantage of you. Abusers are very skilled in picking their victims. So, if your self-conscious and don’t have a great foundation, you will be easy prey for them.

I recently heard an amazing quote (sorry, I’m not sure, who said it): “Be careful when somebody feels like home, if home wasn’t a safe place for you!” But because of your programming, abusers might exactly be the people you’ll feel “at home” with. And they will just reinforce the false messaging, you’d had to deal with your entire life. And maybe worst of all, you will start to confuse abuse with love.

This is why it is so important to remind yourself that no one has the tight to abuse you, no matter what their own history is. No one can talk themselves out of their responsibility for their actions. Don’t ever let them make you believe that things were all your fault and that you should never speak up for yourself.

It is very hard to let go of these deep-seeded false believes. But you can take it one step at the time and replace them with new mantras, like: “I deserve better.”, “I am lovable.” ,“I am allowed to make mistakes., because I am a human” and “nobody has the right to abuse me!”

Don’t let anybody ever tell you differently!

Feeling Alone After Experiencing Abuse

Have you ever felt like an outsider and does your gut feeling tell you, it might have something to do with the abuse, you survived?

Loneliness can be real tough to cope with on the healing journey. Not only because you might need to distance yourself from the abuser, but also because sometimes you might feel the need to retract from the world. You need time to heal and you need time to find yourself again.

If you’ve been abused while growing up, you might have been ostracised by your own family and as a consequence felt like an outsider all your life. There seems to be a vicious rule that when you’re the one being picked on, your surroundings get the impression that this is just the way you’re supposed to be dealt with – even if they are usually not abusive people at all. In a very twisted way, this even makes sense. If you do not pick upon the person, everybody else is picking on, you’ll become an outcast yourself. It is a survival strategy within social circles, like families, friends or a workplace.

For the victim it quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, a vicious circle and worst of all – it will become their programming. It will leave them feel inadequate, worthless and alone.

Human beings are designed to socially interact and validate each other. It fuels our very being, our soul. We are social beings and being left outside of the circle is just not a healthy option.

Some therapist would say that you need to give that validation to yourself. This is true, of course. But I’m sorry, I just don’t believe we can survive a lifetime just doing that – we need to validate ourselves for sure, but we also need to surround ourselves with good (in the truest sense of the word) and loving (again, in the truest sense of the word) people, who are willing to support us.

If you are denied the support, the love or in some cases the bare recognition of your existence, your soul will inevitably suffer.

Once this false and horrible programming has been induced, our experience will be pretty much the same, everywhere we go – school, work or social gatherings. It doesn’t really matter where and when it started, as long as you believe in the message that you are the proverbial black sheep and that you don’t deserve to be part of the team.

In turn, abusers will sense that about you and knowingly or not, they will sniff you out as someone ready to be abused. The bully at school just as much as your narcissistic co-worker or your psychopathic boss. You may figure out decades later, that your childhood friend has not invited you to certain gathering on purpose, just to keep you out of the loop. Or you may come into the office saying good morning to everybody and get no response whatsoever. They will just ignore you, because that narcissistic co-worker has been talking badly about you and now they believe that you are an awful person.

You might ask the professor a question, after a lecture at your university and have them brush you off, because that fellow psychopath student has a personal relation to them and has been talking smack about you. People often just don’t realise that they are being manipulated.

It could really be anybody ostracising you, while you are left out in the cold, having no idea what you’ve done to deserve this.

It is a technique abusers use on top of the initial abuse, to keep you isolated. It is, of course, abusive in itself to intentionally and under handedly put someone in the position of an outsider.

And then the vicious cycle starts. You feel like an outsider and that you don’t really belong – anywhere. You may develop a need for solitude in the disguise of peace and quiet, as people don’t seem to want you being around anyways.

If you were the scapegoat in your family, part of the abuse might have been that your feelings were never validated. When you needed help or support you were ignored. At a family reunion, you would be the only one not included in all the fun and chatter. But again, there are unfortunately many other settings like your workplace, school or circle of friends where this might happen to you. And it can get to a larger scale, where you just don’t feel accepted by society as a whole.

That’s when it might become your own choice to retreat to find your strength again. You seek solitude, because you might be scared to burst into tears publicly at any time, if triggered. You become doubtful about who you are and even question your right to exist.

So, if you have a background like this – be it your upbringing, school, work or your circle of friends etc., it is really important to find a new family. Don’t lock yourself away – I have done that for sure and it made things worse. It is better to look out for those good people and they are to be found everywhere, just like the abusers. I promise!

If you don’t feel like you can connect to people at work or school, you can find support groups online, you can join meet-up groups or talk to a therapist. This may not sound like much, but it is a start. It is the first step into your new life. I know from personal experience that it will help you cope. And more and more you’ll be able to attract a new circle of people, who will be there for you just like you will be there for them.

Because you deserve it, you deserve better, you do deserve to be a part of life! You are worthy, you are loveable and your existence matters!

Toxic Shame

Every time I fail at something, every time I don’t get a job, a relationship breaks up or even when I just drop something on the floor – I feel like the biggest failure on the planet and like my right to exist has been forfeit a long time ago.

For someone who has never experienced it or even for those who have, toxic shame might be a very strange concept to grasp. Yet once it has its claws on you, it won’t be easy to shake off.

Usually when we feel shame or guilt for that matter, it does make sense. We say or do something, that we instantly regret. We feel bad, because the consequences of our actions hot us. We ponder, we learn, we grow and try to do better next time.

Toxic shame is very different from that. It not only means to feel ashamed of something that is not even your responsibility to begin with, it also means feeling a profound shame of who you are.

This means, if you feel toxic shame you can never find peace,. If you’re not fighting the battles of everyday life, you’ll find yourself fighting yourself – hence it is unnecessary, self-destructive …TOXIC! I am certain that way too many people must be out there experiencing toxic shame.

One of the most bizarre and probably saddest examples are people who have been sexually molested in childhood. Think about this for a second: a person rapes a child, may get away with it or find the right attorney, therapist or friend who will convince them and the world that it isn’t really their fault. After all they have been abused by someone as well, right?

Yet, the molested child will experience shame all of their life. Due to their shame, they maybe never even be talking to anybody about what happened to them when they were way too young to process. They’ll feel responsible, they’ll hate their body, they might reject their sexuality all together, never feel like they belong and most importantly they won’t love themselves.

This is a horrible concept, but it is just one example. Many survivors of all kinds of childhood or later in life abuse experience toxic shame. I have heard some experts explaining it as taking on the shame of your abuser. You basically absorb it, so they don’t have to feel it. Of course many times an abuser will also gaslight and guilt trip their victim into taking on the blame and shame. Think about the depths of unfairness here.

But no matter where it stems from, toxic shame will leave the survivor in a constant state of anxiety. It will leave them with an inner critic who will never ever shut up. Toxic shame can make you do crazy things, like unexpectedly lashing out at somebody, think crazy thoughts, like “I am unlovable” and even make you suicidal.

Here is, how I came to see it: Any everyday life situation may trigger you to remember the abuse you have faced at some point in your life, but often on an unconscious level. Therefore, what you actually remember and relive aren’t the hard facts but this deep feeling of shame within yourself. And BAM, it will be right back radiating from the core of your being, leaving you feeling worthless.

We often do not recall the abuser or the actual act of abuse, maybe because it is someone so close to us that our conscious mind does not want us to go there. We want to protect them, or at least our image of them. This can even happen when you remember the abuse consciously. For some reason we seem to be more comfortable dealing with our own toxic shame and its ugly consequences, than blaming the people who maybe really should be ashamed of themselves.

So what can you do? If you’re still with me at this point, you probably have experienced toxic shame yourself or you have someone close to you, who has.

The good news is that healing is absolutely possible. The not so good news may be that it will hurt, because you will have to get to the root of the cause and make sure that you put the shame back where it belongs. This doesn’t mean that you’ll have to accuse someone publicly, take revenge or even force yourself to forgive them – forgiving is a great and beneficial thing, but it takes time.

This is about you. So please, don’t be so hard on yourself. That’s what you’ve been doing for way too long anyway.

Find out where this feeling came from, what happened and try to remember all the loving people you’ve also met in your life. They didn’t deem you to be worthless. They appreciated who you are. Have some of them be there, when you remember. You can find a good therapist. You can go to YouTube and connect with people in the same situation.

I recommend to check out YT channels like Peace and Harmony, Lisa A. Romano, Inner Integration and the work of public speaker, counsellor and author John Bradshaw.

As always, please know that you are not alone with this. Please know that I applaud your courageous soul for surviving whatever you have been through. You have come this far. You can do this. Most importantly, you are worthy, you are lovable and you do deserve better!

Trauma and Thoughts about Suicide

Never give up; and never, under any circumstances, no matter what – never face the facts.
Ruth Gordon

This is a topic people try to avoid discussing, whether they ever had thoughts about suicide themselves or they know someone who might be at risk or worse have lost somebody to it. It is just too dark and sad, too inconvenient – there is a stigma.

It does not help that in our society, people who try to commit suicide are often being treated worse than those who kill someone else. They often get locked away, drugged heavily and shamed by friends and family. The question often is “How could you do this to us?” rather than “Why would you do this to yourself?”

Please don’t get me wrong, it is indeed very hard to witness a loved one commit suicide and to conceive why they would just give up on life. Why would they go through such lengths, seemingly to hurt the ones they leave behind. Please know that it is most likely not their intention to hurt you. They simply do not know how to go on. Whatever they went through, nobody else will ever know what it was like or spent the hours they lay awake at night thinking about how to get through it.

For the lucky ones who have never thought about suicide, It is very hard to understand what it feels like. So, it is almost impossible for someone on the outside to find the right words and help a loved one in that state of mind. This is why I think it is so important to talk about this.

If you know somebody at risk, please do not judge them. They’re probably already feeling guilty.

The feeling that might describe it best is that it’s an insidious mixture of pain and hopelessness, which if it gets too powerful might just take over your mind and tip the scales. The pain is caused by whatever happened in your life that got you to that point, while the hopelessness derives from the believe that things will never change.

Like a lot of survivors of childhood abuse, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts almost my entire life. I also tried once to end my life, but somebody found me before it was too late. I was only a teenager back then, however it wasn’t a cry for help – I really wanted to die. But more importantly, I am glad today to still be around.

Years ago, I was in a particularly bad phase: my boyfriend had left me, I’ve had a miscarriage and I lost my job. It was a lot to take and I had no idea how to ever regain my energy. Christmas was coming up and the holidays always seem to make such a situation worse. Out of despair, I turned to a charity institution. I was lucky and found a good and trustworthy therapist. So, here I was with this professional, yet I was ashamed to admit it was just too much for me and that I had thought about taking my own life to make it stop. I thought, if I admitted to it now he would have me locked away. I knew about the stigma of being weak and cowardly that surrounds the idea of suicide.

Turned out that guy was really good at his job, I didn’t have to say anything. He knew it and he brought it up. And while I got deep into defensive mode, his response couldn’t have surprised me more. He said:

After everything you’ve been through, it wouldn’t be normal for you not to think about it…

And there it was. The simple truth. It was nothing to be ashamed of, it was a natural reflex.

Everybody is different in how much they can take. I think a huge part of my shame was me thinking about all those people on this planet who have it way worse, than I ever did. And sadly, they are out there. But this is certainly no competition.

So, if it feels like it is all just too much and you’re thinking about killing yourself do not give in to guilt or shame. Know it is a natural response to your pain, just don’t go through with it.

…but please don’t do it:

It took me a long time to understand what Ruth Gordon meant. But I think, I figured it out eventually: the facts do not matter, because they are constantly changing. Your situation seems desolate right now, it might seem that there is no solution to it, but things are always in motion. Those facts will change and they might just change in your favour.

Look at all the incredible real life stories out there about how people’s luck would change, when they’re least expecting it. Miracles can and do happen and that is a fact.

Suicide is not easy, it takes a tremendous amount of energy and dedication to go through with. So, why not put that same amount of energy into making changes to your life. It is never too late for a fresh start, a new career, relationship or adventure, as long as you’re still breathing.

Even if you’re an atheist or not sure what to believe in, nobody can be certain about what is going to happen after we die. What if karma is a thing after all or if you just would reincarnate again immediately. You would need to learn all the things you already know and could use now, from scratch.

Most importantly, there are people out there who can and will support you on your personal journey. You are not alone.

Life can be unbearable at times, but your existence, your dreams and hopes are worth fighting for. Your beautiful soul is needed in this world and as Aragorn said in The Lord of the Rings: There is always hope!