The scapegoat or the ‘black sheep’ is usually also the only one who understands the toxicity of the system they’re finding themselves in. They are the flashlight that shines a light on all the manipulation, unfairness and deceit. This system could be your family, your work environment, your circle of friends or other social groups.
The scapegoat often sees through the games and manipulation techniques (e.g. gaslighting) of the narcissistic or psychopathic individual in that group, who plays (or at least tries to play) the others like puppets on a string to achieve the most favourable outcome for them at all times. Most people in the system won’t be conscious of this – otherwise, it would not work.
Especially people who find themselves in a position like the ‘golden child’ have a much harder time to figure out, what is really going on.
In contrast to that, the scapegoat is a thorn in the eye of the abuser. They are the ones who could become dangerous and expose them. What they may not realise is that they often created this ‘danger’ themselves.Se, the abuser needs a scapegoat in the system. someone that is usually at fault, someone that will distract from their wrong doings. someone who is the odd one out – they don’t do or say as everyone else – the one, who never really fit in and also seemed a little weird, to take the blame if need be and them ostracise them and pull them out if they are needed to keep the system running. The abuser picking on them particularly diminishes the scapegoats self-esteem further, so that it becomes a vicious cycle.
The abuser may have the audacity to call the scapegoat ‘strong’ or ‘brave’. There are several reasons for this.
One, it makes it look like the abuser actually likes and acknowledges you – who doesn’t want to be called a strong individual, right?! Secondly, it creates doubt within the system about the narcissists or psychopaths relationship with you. What I mean by this is that if you will receive a compliment every now and then, even those members of the group who might have noticed that you hold a position of disadvantage, can now relax and see the good in the abuser since they are obviously being nice to you, pointing out your strength.
The third reason, I have personally experienced over and over again, is that by calling you strong/ brave, the abuser gives themselves permission to abuse you come more. After all you’re the strong one, so if anybody can take it – it’s you.
This might not make sense to everybody, but I can confirm in retrospect that I was often pushed even harder, neglected, ostracised or straight up abused a little more by those toxic people in my life, shortly after they pointed out just how ‘strong’ I am. To me this is not a compliment (at least not from those kinds of people), but it is one of the most sinister forms of gaslighting.
Being the systems’ scapegoat means that you do not get a real chance of getting to know yourself, especially if the abusive system is your family of origin. Your self-esteem might be very low and you will feel like you don’t really belong, like you are the outsider.
The good news about the latter is that because you will see through all the BS more easily and you might not feel like a valued part of the system anyways, the scapegoat is often the one to walk away.
The scapegoat might also be an empath, focused more on the emotions of other people and therefore losing themselves, as well as not feeling good enough for anything they’d want in life.
But walking away will open up those new possibilities and you will find not only yourself but (pun intended) also your strength… of course, what I really mean is courage! The courage to walk away from an environment that is simply not good for you, the courage to start over and go for what you really want and the courage to speak your truth.
This, just like other things I talk about on this blog, is not an easy thing to do. But you can do it and it will be worth it. That is what I know for sure.
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