I hope you’re all well and safe, as we’re currently under lockdown in so many countries around the world. It is a perfect opportunity for all kind of old trauma to resurface. This is now my fourth week on lockdown and the old stuff is really starting to get to me and I am sure that this might be happening to a lot of you as well.
It seems a little counter-intuitive, because the situation we’re facing has actually brought me closer to some people in my life. Conversations are forced to happen via call or texting, but they seem to run deeper than usual. So, you have more time to talk to people you cherish in your life and this is also, how I found out that I am not the only one. We have been forced to slow down, take a break and come face to face with those demons, we have buried deep inside.
I find myself battling with things, I thought I had at least dealt with to a point where I can cope comfortably. But NO, it feels like these abuses, embarrassments or soul-crushing events, just happened yesterday.
So, I can’t help but wonder why. Is it simply because I live on my own? Is it the lack of real, non virtual contact with other people? Is it bound to drive you crazy, when your sleeping, living, eating and your office space are basically the same?
I wasn’t content with this kind of explanation, so I’ve been pondering this hard for at least the last 14 days. Of course, trying to take a more psychological scientific approach to things is also one of my go to coping mechanisms, and it never makes these things disappear. So, I am now trying a more philosophical view.
Maybe this is meant to happen. Maybe this is exactly the right time to deal with those memories, as painful as they may be. With the speed of our everyday lives slowing down, I believe our soul or psyche, whatever you prefer has to take this chance for catharsis. And I believe the old adage that things have to get worse before they get better may apply.
As a survivor of abuse of any kind, trauma will be stored inside your body, your mind and your soul to some extend. I don’t know about you, but I’m almost at a point where it feels like, I ‘m going through my life minute by minute, not only filtering through abusive situations but also those, that triggered me into remembering the abuse. Triggers will make you feel horribly and react in ways, that do not reflect your real self. When triggered, we might say or do something which may be considered inappropriate by others and this can create more trauma and insecurities. It can become a vicious cycle and basically and this is what I find myself caught in these days.
Trauma never really goes away, I had gotten my hopes up many times, I admit it! If I only could work through those things intensely enough, they would vanish once and for all. But this will never happen.
Instead, this slower pace of life might just enable us to face and fight these ancient demons, because it gives us the opportunity to look at things and being triggered without necessarily being judged by others. This retreat also gives us time to work through trauma in a sense where we get a different perspective. Usually, when memories come up, we may be at work, at school or just about to meet somebody or have to be someplace public. Now we can go into a cocoon and we don’t have to necessarily limit our emotional response. It is catharsis.
It might also enable us to take a good look at our abusers. Where we may have had a tendency to find all kinds of excuses for them, because the truth was just too hard to swallow, we now see them for who they are. We remember more details, more background story and this can lead us to more personal freedom. We can recognise that we were not the only player in these situations and that everything is not our fault.
These traumatic experiences which are stored deep inside of us, will show their ugly faces every now and then.
But iI truly believe, these very special circumstances, we’re facing, will enable us to face them with even more courage and self empowerment than before. Maybe they might just get quieter over time, when they realise that we are not the same anymore. And coping will become easier and easier to a point where past experience won’t matter that much, because we’re looking forward.
You deserve better than being haunted by memories, you deserve an improved future! You can do this!
rebelagainstabuse 