Has this ever happened to you:
You’ve met someone great and just couldn’t trust them, because they seem to care about you, but it just reminds you, of how much you trusted your previous partner and they let you down in the end?
Have you ever made friends with someone new at school or work and your mother who has never nourished you with love in any fashion, advises you not to open up too much to them?
Maybe you even feel at this point that, over the course of your life all of these people you wanted to trust and love eventually disappointed you. So, why even bother anymore?
When you have been abused at any point in your life, psychologically, emotionally, physically or sexually, you might know what I’m talking about. You are very cautious, who you let into your life and whom to trust, because you have most likely been burnt by more people than your (main) abuser.
It is a sinister dynamic. Your abuser would never admit guilt or even take the least bit of responsibility for their actions. That means that this burden will rest with you for eternity, as abusive people are highly unlikely to change. So, you as the abuse survivor are left feeling responsible for being deeply hurt and violated by someone else and it comes with the horrible, but seemingly rational conclusion that you deserved this.
This seems so off to any empathetic outsider. Why would you as the one who got hurt, the one who gave their love and never got any reciprocity feel unlovable? Yet, this is the way it works.
Abuse survivors have often been taught, even been induced with the feeling that they are unworthy: unworthy of good things in their life, like success, pride and love. This is the only method the abuser can ensure their ‘success’. Their victim feeling so undeserving of good and on the other hand feeling so deserving of the mistreatment, ensures that they will be able to hide their actions. As long as you think, this is all OK, it is very unlikely for the outside world to intervene. It is the ‘dirty little secret’ between you and the abuser, whom you most likely felt love for or maybe still do.
But this love is unbalanced and will never give you what you need.
What’s more is that this constantly being left with all of this responsibility (which nobody could possibly bear) will leave you coming short of their expectations. And the abuser will make you aware of this and thereby making sure that you take on the guilt and they go free.
After going through this you may become so brainwashed and conditioned of feeling bad and worthless, that you are likely to expect defeat in meaningful relationships. This may play out like a self-fulfilling prophecy without you even giving another person a real chance. May it be a friendship, business or love relationship.
It also will set you up as bait for new abusers entering your life and they most assuredly will continue the same game, you used to play with your initial abuser. It is a vicious cycle.
How to get over this? I am certain that you can! What really seems to help me personally, is taking a long hard look at the actions of your abuser – at face value. They might have found excuses that seemed so valid at the time – but really, look at what happened. Try to see the bigger picture. Then asked yourself, would you or any of the people you actually trust in your life, ever treat anybody like that? And if not, why?
Maybe even find validation in outside opinions. Tell your story to a therapist or to somebody, you truly trust. They will confirm, how horrible this is to hear and that you did not deserve this.
I know this can be hard. I am honestly still trying to open up about my own story on this blog. I know, how vulnerable it makes you feel.
If you feel like you don’t want to open up, there is a ton of literature out there with case examples of abuse and about the various kinds of personality disorders, your abuser might have had. This can help and you’re gonna know that you are not alone. It is a very long journey to overcome this, but never give up! You got this and things will get better!
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