The control-freakiness of the narcissist and psychopath
Only now from a distance, I am able to recognise certain patterns within my relationships with those narcissists, psychopaths or their flying monkeys in my life. Only now, I recognise these mind-games, manipulation and control-freakiness.
It was only on that day when my birthmother gave me that look over a huge terrace, which was filled with people at a wedding reception. It was mean, it was dirty and it sent one message: ‘I don’t like what you’re doing right now, I do not approve!’ Mind you, what I was doing at this moment was standing in a place and having a conversation she hadn’t ‘authorised’. My first thought was, how embarrassing this was, but then I realised that nobody else seemed to notice. It was a thing between her and me.
It was one of those moments when a million thoughts run through your mind within a split second. I wondered, why my body was reacting the way it did. I wondered, how a knot in your stomach could appear so sudden. I wondered, what does she want and if she wants me to do something, why doesn’t she speak instead of stare. And most importantly, why I am even considering all of this – I am an adult, I should be able to decide, where I want to hang out and whom I want to talk to.
It was a demonstration of power. But, it was also possibly the first time, it didn’t quite work. I had begun to break loose. But it’s been a long way, a very long time spent in oblivion.
You could call it a revelation. I started to remember many occasions just like this one, that had occurred over the course of my life, i.e. when I tried to open up about the sexual abuse in my childhood and my mother almost instantaneously went into discussing other peoples’ bad childhoods. Later she also told me that she thought, me being molested at the age of four was probably not that bad and that I should just get over it. I am not saying that my abuse was worse than what anybody else had gone through – all kinds of abuse are wrong. But putting you in your place by minimising your experience, is just one of many ways abusers like to use to make you more receptive to their version of the truth and ‘keep you in line’.
The wedding also had me remember observing these patterns in my environment all my life: people changing their behaviour completely once their spouse enters the scene, children being cruel to other family members and then looking to their parents for the expected approval or people who have been severely harmed (physically or emotionally) by someone, but then being the ones apologising?!
When I started to do some research on narcissism and psychopathy, the information started to add up quickly. One thing, I heard a psychologist say about narcissists will always stand out for me, as it might be the shortest explanation to make you aware of what you’re dealing with: They always and under any circumstances want to bring you in a one-down position – they need to know that they have the ‘upper hand’. So, we’re talking about control and it was at that wedding, I realised that I am not a person to my mother, but a character in her game to be handled and manipulated – a puppet on a string. I had been conditioned to keep my head down, to obey and to give up my needs, without even knowing it.
An abusive person will condition and ‘train’ you to submit to them. And it will be a slow burning, sinister process which is done to you intentionally. Be very careful to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Of course, we all hurt people unintentionally and get hurt the same way. Abusers, though, do this strategically and it is often more than difficult to see through it.
They will sniff out your biggest fears and weaknesses, tease you about it and then expose them publicly, undermining your self-esteem. They will use triangulation and pit you against people close to you, whom you used to trust. They will work you over years and years, chewing away your foundation. This can be done through underhanded suggestions and messages about how weak, unimportant and unworthy you are.
But there will be plausible deniability. So, if you mention something to an outsider, they would respond with things like ‘He/She didn’t mean that!’, ‘you probably heard that wrong!’ or ‘They only mean well.’
Or in my case, some people might say ‘Well, maybe your mother couldn’t handle the thought of her child being molested, so she went in to denial!’
I believe that the reality is that you are being prepped for more abuse. Wether you are experiencing this within your family, at your workplace, in school or within a friendship – if you’re dealing with an abuser, they will work you for a long period of time. It can be months, it can be years or even decades.
This is happening for the sole purpose of of conditioning you, so they can take advantage of you without sparking suspicion at any given time. They make sure to keep you in a constant one-down position in which you can easily be manipulated. Whenever you start to stand up for yourself, you will be reminded of your own shortcomings to keep you in check. This can be done with words, looks, gestures, through other people (the so called flying monkeys) – really any kind of trigger in the physical world.
In most cases, especially if you are unaware of what’s happening to you, they will be successful and you will cave in. You’re being conditioned to please them and their love is anything but unconditional.
It may not look like it to the outside world. They often manage to make themselves look the victim, while manipulating you to perform their will without anybody noticing, not even you.
The effect will be that you stop trusting yourself and that you will be grateful to your abuser for lowering themselves to your level and that you feel like you can rely on them to guide you.
So, what to do about it. I believe it is inevitable that one of these days you will begin to notice the dynamic – even if it has been going on for ages and even, if you are the only one seeing it.
Just observe for a while, if you are really uncertain. Observe, how they are treating other people. Compare.You will note some differences. You might be the only one being treated this way, their main squeeze. Or they might entertain an entire ‘harem’ to pick from. Either way, their power games are not always so obvious.
It might very well be that nobody else will see it and that nobody will believe you. So you’ll have to stay strong. You might have to be your own best friend and closest ally for a while.
But the good news is, once you’ve seen through it there is no going back. You will be aware and that is gonna be good enough to protect yourself and cut off those strings. You can break yourself free from their grip.
Do not stay stuck and don’t give in to their game.
rebelagainstabuse 