Toxic Shame

Every time I fail at something, every time I don’t get a job, a relationship breaks up or even when I just drop something on the floor – I feel like the biggest failure on the planet and like my right to exist has been forfeit a long time ago.

For someone who has never experienced it or even for those who have, toxic shame might be a very strange concept to grasp. Yet once it has its claws on you, it won’t be easy to shake off. 

Usually when we feel shame or guilt for that matter, it does make sense.  We say or do something, that we instantly regret.  We feel bad, because the consequences of our actions hot us.  We ponder, we learn, we grow and try to do better next time.

Toxic shame is very different from that. It not only means to feel ashamed of something that is not even your responsibility to begin with, it also means feeling a profound shame of who you are.

This means, if you feel toxic shame you can never find peace,. If you’re not fighting the battles of everyday life,  you’ll find yourself fighting yourself – hence it is unnecessary, self-destructive …TOXIC! I am certain that way too many people must be out there experiencing toxic shame. 

One of the most bizarre and probably saddest examples are people who have been sexually molested in childhood. Think about this for a second:  a person rapes a child, may get away with it or find the right attorney, therapist or friend who will convince them and the world that it isn’t really their fault.  After all they have been abused by someone as well, right? 

Yet, the molested child will experience shame all of their life. Due to their shame,  they maybe never even be talking to anybody about what happened to them when they were way too young to process.  They’ll feel responsible, they’ll hate their body, they might reject their sexuality all together, never feel like they belong and most importantly  they won’t love themselves.

This is a horrible concept, but it is just one example. Many survivors of all kinds of childhood or later in life abuse experience toxic shame. I have heard some experts explaining it as taking on the shame of your abuser.  You basically absorb it, so they don’t have to feel it.  Of course many times an abuser will also gaslight and guilt trip their victim into taking on the blame and shame. Think about the depths of unfairness here.  

But no matter where it stems from, toxic shame will leave the survivor in a constant state of anxiety. It will leave them with an inner critic who will never ever shut up.  Toxic shame can make you do crazy things, like unexpectedly lashing out at somebody, think crazy thoughts, like “I am unlovable” and even make you suicidal.  

Here is, how I came to see it:  Any everyday life situation may trigger you to remember the abuse you have faced at some point in your life, but often on an unconscious level. Therefore, what you actually remember and relive aren’t the hard facts but this deep feeling of shame within yourself.  And BAM, it will be right back radiating from the core of your being, leaving you feeling worthless. 

We often do not recall the abuser or the actual act of abuse, maybe because it is someone so close to us that our conscious mind does not want us to go there. We want to protect them, or at least our image of them. This can even happen when you remember the abuse consciously. For some reason we seem to be more comfortable dealing with our own toxic shame and its ugly consequences, than blaming the people who maybe really should be ashamed of themselves. 

So what can you do? If you’re still with me at this point, you probably have experienced toxic shame yourself   or you have someone close to you, who has. 

The good news is that healing is absolutely possible. The not so good news may be that it will hurt, because you will have to get to the root of the cause and make sure that you put the shame back where it belongs. This doesn’t mean that you’ll have to accuse someone publicly, take revenge or even force yourself to forgive them – forgiving is a great and beneficial thing, but it takes time. 

This is about you. So please, don’t be so hard on yourself. That’s what you’ve been doing for way too long anyway.

Find out where this feeling came from, what happened and try to remember all the loving people you’ve also met in your life. They didn’t deem you to be worthless. They appreciated who you are. Have some of them be there, when you remember.  You can find a good therapist. You can go to YouTube and connect with people in the same situation. 

I recommend to check out YT channels like Peace and Harmony, Lisa A. Romano, Inner Integration and the work of public speaker, counsellor and author John Bradshaw.

As always, please know that you are not alone with this. Please know that I applaud your courageous soul for surviving whatever you have been through. You have come this far. You can do this. Most importantly, you are worthy, you are lovable and you do deserve better!