Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.
Henry David Thoreau
Blood is thicker than water, right? But if you grew up in an abusive environment, if you’ve been the black sheep in your family (and maybe never even knew why), if you’ve been bullied by your siblings or molested by a parent – this good old saying may just feel like a knife in your heart.
If that is you, you might have read some books, listened to podcasts or watched some of the numerous YouTube channels that deal with the matter. One message you will hear repeatedly: go no (or at least low) contact.
Considering that most people are not willing to change their behaviour, especially an abusive and manipulative character, this seems like good advice. It might be necessary to leave that job with the narcissistic co-worker, the relationship where domestic violence is the order of the day or the circle of friends, where you’ve never been more than an outsider.
However, leaving any of those situations above might be easier said than done. You might need that job to feed your kids, you might be so scared that you’ll never find love again or you might be afraid of having no one to talk to in the end. Abuse is a sneaky thing, too. Once you’ve realised what is happening, it might have been going on for so long, you no longer see a way out. Not easy to say: no more!
But when it comes to family, the abuse whatever it was has probably been going on since you were a child. Remember what that was like? You had no choice, but to assume that what the adults are doing (or tolerating) must be the right thing. Because if it wasn’t, they wouldn’t – they were adulting after all. Children are expected to adapt to the world while growing up and that starts with the environment, we grow up in.
Wrapping your head around the concept that the people who are supposed to be closest to you and love you simply for who you are, could rape, neglect or physically and emotionally abuse you seems almost absurd. But when you’re realising that these kind of things actually happened in your family – it simply hurts like hell! And you don’ want it to be true!
The evidence is there, but then you remember the happy cozy times, like Christmas or movie night…so maybe it is all just you? It wasn’t that bad? The constant change between the good and the bad times, the I love you, I hate you: it is part of the gaslighting, it is part of the abuse and often done with the intend to make you feel crazy. So, your abuser would take breaks, play nice, get you gifts or drive you to school? That doesn’t make all those times of humiliation, emotional torture and disrespect OK.
Unfortunately, the rest of the family (maybe there is even more than one abuser) would often look away, deny or even assist in the abusive behaviour. Not everybody has the clear sight, the courage or the guts to change a system that might have been established over generations. It is their prerogative. If they do not want to look, you cannot make them.
But you can make your own choices. I know it hurts, I know you might be scared of the loneliness. But you’re not alone! There are many people facing the same circumstances who take that leap of faith. It is never too late to start a new life and find the tribe that has your best interest in mind and heart!
And who knows, sometimes people do come around. Maybe if you give it time, there might be some relative, who will eventually see through the deception and understand. And then you can break the cycle of abuse that might have been going on for ages, together.
Don’t let anybody hold you back…you deserve the life you’ve imagined!
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